This project is 90 days long, and yet this process has no end. The only goal is to continue to self-actualize for the rest of my life, and to continue to be in conversation about that process with other people who are similarly engaged in their own journeys. And yet, as an extremely goal-oriented person, how can I feel satisfied with such a nebulous goal? This entire process involves redefining the journey of my life as a continual process. I am always "accomplishing" my goal, as long as I am actively engaged in the process of reflection and self-discovery. And yet this can feel so dissatisfying to the part of me that loves crossing things off lists.
I have feared that my motivation for this project might be diminished if my goal is already accomplished through engaging in the process itself. So far I don't see that happening, but it is also hard to tell at this point. I still harbor side goals, smaller results I am hoping will come out of this process, such as specific habits I am hoping will change and thoughts I wish to see transformed. So even though the primary goal is already accomplished (whatever that means), there are still lots of smaller goals for me to fixate on. However, I've also noticed that when something is deeply important to me, such as living a self-reflexive life, then reaching my big goals become less important, because each small step feels independently satisfying even outside of the big picture of what I am working toward. I yearn towards self-actualization, which is a feeling fundamentally different from any smaller goal I may set for myself, and altogether more satisfying to fulfill.
Nowadays I would articulate this as process goals vs. outcome goals. In the past year I have come to understand the importance of process goals as the foundation upon which any outcome-based goal rests. Because without process goals, I am continually striving, dissatisfied and grasping for something to "fix" my feelings. -The oxytocin of peak experiences, the safety I feel in accomplishments, the worthiness I feel from public accolades.
ReplyDeleteWhen I generate process goals, I find other ways to cultivate safety and worthiness and joy from the daily journey, rather than the more rare peak experiences. Current process goal: "I honor my nervous system and approach my patterns with curiosity and love."