Creating Enough Space for my Needs

Contortionist Kevin Sadrak 013 by Tim Evanson, CC Licensing

As I continue on my journey of self-transformation, change, growth, shedding, releasing, healing, and expanding into my fullness, I often find myself doing new things I never thought possible. I am slowly and tentatively beginning to stand up for myself, communicate my needs clearly, express my feelings, and assert my right to holistic wellness. All of these acts feel extremely risky. This is partly based on past experiences of trying to advocate for myself and being aggressively constrained by someone more powerful. At the same time, a large part of the fear is due to cultural brainwashing that tells me I do not have a right to take up space by having needs or feelings, that I'm asking for too much and getting too full of myself if I do so. I know that misogyny is a huge factor in why I am so afraid of taking up space, and am therefore politically motivated to defy the limitations that have been placed on me due to my socialization. This helps me understand my acts of resistance within the context of a larger process of human liberation to which I am contributing by creating more space for myself, and thereby helping others to create more space for themselves as well.

This framework does not diminish my experience of fear, however, and it does not make each moment of self-advocacy feel easier. My heart still races and the voices in my head still insist that I need to quiet down and constrict myself into the space others are offering rather than expanding into my full power. These voices shout that it's not safe, it's not reasonable, and it's totally unacceptable to state my needs and expect to have them accommodated. Even when I reach out to others for support, for assurance that I do have a right to be me, I am often chastised, doubted, and demeaned. I accidentally opened up to my family about an issue I was having and my struggle to find a way to meet my needs within the situation, and they were all very clear that it was utterly impossible to do so and that I needed to accept that reality and conform to the oppression I was facing. While the conversation was helpful in clarifying where the voices in my head originated from, it was very challenging to stay strong in my conviction that there is another possibility once I had absorbed their negativity.

Each time I manage to act in spite of my body's stress hormones kicking into high gear, in spite of  the voices in my head, in spite of my family speaking out loud those same limiting beliefs, I gain some small measure of freedom. I prove to myself and to others that it is possible to live a healthy, whole, self-realized life even within our oppressive cultural reality. These successes shine light on the small moments, the small interactions, that defy the dehumanizing reality in which we all live. These acts of self-advocacy are also exhausting and overwhelming. I hope that someday they won't each feel as scary, as potentially life-threatening, as they do now. Each time I speak up for myself and something actually changes because of it, I create new neural pathways that assure me that it is possible, reasonable, and even desirable to express myself more fully. This understanding of the positive neural impact of facing my fears helps motivate me to continue to do so, even though it takes a great deal of energy, will-power, coaching, comforting, and recovering each time I do so. I couldn't do this work without the support and guidance of others who believe in the possibility of another world. This is why having a community of people committed to self-transformation, communal transformation, and human transformation is so crucial to my own process. Thank you for being a part of that community, and for contributing to the liberation of each of us through your own healing journey, your role in my journey, and your visions for a better world!