The deeper I’ve gone into my healing process and the more
traumatic experiences I’ve begun to integrate, the more extreme my triggers
have become. This is called a “healing crisis”, a term I only learned a few
months ago. I’m so grateful to know this phrase, to have a name for what I’m
experiencing. As I’ve grown further into this place of crisis, I’ve come
to appreciate its importance in my healing journey. At times it seems like
something must be wrong for my day-to-day life to be even more challenging than
it was two or three years ago, when I first began this intensive healing. And
yet, this is similar to the detox process experienced when a person stops smoking
cigarettes and develops a horrible cough. Long-hidden pieces of my Self split
off from me due to trauma. Now, they can see the possibility for healing and
integration and are rising to the surface loudly and insistently. And as I have
slowly learned to stay present more and dissociate less from my emotional
truths, my triggered states have become increasingly intense and uncomfortable.
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| Wrathful Diety #6 by Art O.T. Grid |
This has been a years-long process, including developing
names and visuals for the fractured parts of my Self that surface when I’m
triggered. At first I focused on identifying when I would enter a triggered
state and mapping the patterns of what tends to trigger me, and how I feel,
act, and recover from these states. I then began learning tools to help bring
myself back to the present moment as quickly and gently as possible. As this
healing crisis has intensified, I’ve been challenged to greet these triggers
with compassion, acceptance, love and concern rather than the dissatisfaction,
impatience, and judgment with which I once viewed them. This is my opportunity
to practice, to hone my ability to care for myself. I’m getting better at
navigating it, but there have been a few instances of staying triggered for
many days at a time. This is a frightening and disorienting experience, a type
of soul-abduction where split off pieces of myself are “in charge” and I feel
and act like someone else.
This is the deep work that my soul is here to do – to heal
the cycles of abuse that have affected me on a cellular level, and which have
been passed on through so many generations. At the moment I have many more
questions than answers. In my moments of fear, or when I have been commandeered
by an unintegrated aspect of myself, I worry that I am not strong enough to get
through the crisis and detoxify from this life-long poisoning.
And yet I instinctively reach toward healing, my deepest
yearnings calling out to me to keep going. And so I walk along, step by step,
in a circuitous and spiraling pathway to empowerment, liberation, safety, and
joy. Tasting each of these delights in small ways, I am strengthened in my
faith that there is another option for me – that I, and each of us, can be
liberated from self-oppression. And so I call upon all my resources for support
and guidance as I continue through this healing crisis slowly, gently, and
reverently. I am astounded by the support I have in my life and by the
possibilities for healing that unfold before me.
