Coping with Anxiety

Anxiety by Stock7000

As I continue to increase my capacity for different emotions such as fear, connection, grief, love, and vulnerability, I have not experienced a similar increase in terms of anxiety. Although I have always had a fairly high capacity for dealing with anxiety in the sense that I am able to continue to function and act when I feel anxious, this has also come at a cost. I have been able to function with anxiety through the use of coping strategies that I am now working to shed – numbing, repressing strategies that have allowed me to avoid the full impact of the anxiety. Now that I am slowly replacing these older habits with strategies that acknowledge, accept, and process my emotions as they come up, I am struggling particularly with how to cope with anxiety. Is it an emotion that I wish to increase my capacity for, or is anxiety actually a stress response that is unhealthy and should be avoided? I often see the word “anxious” listed as an emotion, but based on my physical and psychological reactions to anxiety, I think it is in the stress category rather than the emotions category.

I separate stress from emotions in that stress can influence an emotional response, but it is not an emotion in and of itself. It is a physiological and psychological sensation related to dis-ease that has a significant impact on my physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual health, but my techniques for coping with stress are different than they are for processing my emotions. I aim to reduce stress as much as possible, and to proactively prevent stress, whereas I am trying to fully feel and go toward my emotional experiences. So what about anxiety? Should I move toward anxiety, try to embrace and understand it in myself, and invite my anxiety to be fully expressed? Or should I take more stringent steps toward preventing and disengaging from anxiety when it occurs?

In viewing anxiety as a stress-state rather than an emotion I ultimately hope to eradicate it, however there is still much to be learned from the experience in the short-term. Anxiety is a symptom of deeper unresolved issues in my life leading me to feel disempowered and overwhelmed in the present moment. This anxious reaction serves as a signpost, indicating the existence of past experiences that were never resolved, which are being triggered by a current event. While it is frustrating that I revert to old coping strategies when I feel anxious, this can also be helpful in pointing me toward places in need of healing. Part of my work recently has been reframingmy sense of failure when old habits reappear and instead embracing these moments for providing clear guidance. If I can unearth and provide closure for those older unresolved emotions, I will ultimately decrease the intensity of my anxiety and experience each life challenge as only present-moment and not evocative of past hurts or fears. Therefore, I have a long-term goal of eliminating anxiety from my life through integrating and resolving the unhealed traumas from my past, but am also hoping to enact a short-term goal of taking significant steps to reduce or redirect the anxiety in the present moment, while I continue to work on those larger issues.

Abundance of Time and Attention

Time Travel Haikus by CityGypsy11

The concept of abundance is one I have struggled with for many years – on a political level and on the level of logistics. Politically, it sounds arrogant to claim that we can all experience abundance when so many people are suffering without enough of the necessities of survival or basic comfort. It also can sound like there is no need for moderation, no need to conserve resources, no need to consider others before taking something. This seemed like the claim of oblivious, privileged people completely out of touch with the reality of most peoples’ lived experiences of poverty and struggle. After many years of encountering this rhetoric of abundance in many different contexts, however, I have a clearer understanding of what this can mean on a spiritual level. There is an abundance of love, an abundance of compassion, an abundance of respect and dignity and worthiness. These are the spiritual necessities of life, and receiving them can often lead to physical sustenance as well, but they are not material items in and of themselves. If I give you my love or compassion or respect, there will not be less of it for another person. None of these will run out or need to be rationed; none have a finite quantity that can be measured. Operating from a framework of abundance means not trying to control or limit others or myself in sharing love, respect, compassion, intimacy, and caring. Over many years of contemplation, practice, development, and experimentation with this idea of abundance, I embrace the truth of spiritual abundance, and have seen the benefits of living my life within a framework of abundance.

I am still struggling, however, with this concept on the level of logistics, especially in the areas of time and attention. While there is an infinite amount of love in the world, there is not an infinite amount of time in which to express that love. And while there is an infinite amount of compassion in the world, there is not an infinite amount of attention that can be dedicated to directing that compassion toward others. On the other hand, I do have experiences where time seems to operate on a different plane than that which I normally experience. Camping, for instance, where days seem to stretch out to unbelievable lengths and the time for hiking, sitting by the fire, chatting, and cuddling seems to go on and on and on. I also have experienced powerful, meaningfully intimate connections in a very short amount of time, such as having a 20-minute conversation with a friend that is life altering. Based on these experiences, I can see the potential for an abundance of time and attention, but am still working to truly believe this. If someone else receives time and attention, I fear that I will lose them. It seems like a zero-sum game, where one must lose for another to gain. I have begun to shift this perception, however, through deepening my understanding of how energy flows. Energy can expand infinitely when we have many deep and meaningful connections, projects, experiences, and adventures. By sharing time and attention with many people and interests, there is a greater flow of creative energy for all relationships and each moment of connection. The abundance of time and attention is actually created through the unique aspects of various experiences, relationships, and points of connection. As my understanding continues to grow, I am slowly shedding my limiting beliefs in this area.

Converting the voice in my head

As I reconnect to my emotions more and stay more present in my everyday experiences, I am faced with the cruelty and degradation of the rude, mean, shaming voices in my head. I've always known they were there, and was well aware that I was choosing to quiet them by numbing all of my emotions, but I did not believe there were any alternatives. These mean voices have inspired a great deal of art and activism, which has helped me to quiet them significantly over the years, yet I have continued to experience frequent harassment from these voices of internalized oppression. When I decided to reconnect to my emotions – going toward the discomfort rather than numbing it – I accepted that I would have to confront these voices more directly. In a recent blog post I shared a new technique to address these mean voices - giving them funny accents and oddly pitched voices to help emphasize that these voices in my head are not me, and that I do not have to take them seriously. This has been somewhat helpful, but they are still quite powerful. Next I started singing myself love songs, belting out alternative messages to outshout the mean voices. This is also useful, but only while I am doing it. As soon as I stop, they are just as loud as they were before. Now I am trying something even more absurd - co-opting religious zeal to quiet the mean voices - and having a good laugh at it all as I'm doing it.

My new method for defanging the mean voices is to convert them - sending tiny missionaries to proselytize to them about the inherent worth and dignity of all people. The missionaries in my head are mini-versions of people who love and support me, and believe that I am worthy of love. They wear cute missionary outfits, and have special "holy books" about inherent worth and dignity, and are working hard to convert the mean voices. They are preaching truth to power, and holding a mirror up to the mean voices, calling them out for shaming me. They hold handwritten cardboard signs proclaiming that God is Love and We are all One, and shout into their megaphones that shame is the product of a toxic society, not an indication of my worth as a person. These images amuse me, changing the emotional tone of this difficult work of freeing myself from the tyranny of shame, making those voices ridiculous and laughable. I still recognize the challenge, but it feels less like work/struggle and more like theater/play. 

Singing Love Songs to Myself

Having finally cracked open my heart to the point of feeling many of my emotions more fully and consistently, I am struggling to cope with the challenge this presents. I spent so many years avoiding my feelings with various numbing strategies for precisely this reason – fear of what it would be like to feel the depths of my pain and grief. And while I am very proud of myself and excited that I now have access to my emotions, part of me still wishes for the deep joy without the deep pain, for the bliss without the heartache, for the ups without the downs. I know this is unrealistic, and actually not desirable because the harder emotions are guideposts, helping steer me towards healing and towards the lessons my soul came into this lifetime to learn. And yet, one sleepless night and one day full of heartache are so exhausting and overwhelming.

I want to be “healed”, to be better. I want to be in integrity, to shine my light with no layers of armor, no old coping strategies clouding my decisions. I am watching myself repeat old patterns, unable to intervene, unaware of what I am doing until it is too late. I am trying to forgive myself for these moments, to love the broken, messy, distorted parts of myself. I am trying to love my humanness, my imperfections, acknowledging my areas for growth without shame, without guilt, without self-criticism and self-harm. It is so hard! I sing myself love songs in my head to drown out the mean voices still calling to me, still telling me that I will never be good enough, that I can never be loved. I wish to show up for myself as my own teacher, gently guiding myself toward new understandings with patience and kindness and caring, without judgment for my inexperience or ignorance. I am just learning how to be in full integrity, just beginning to unfold so that I can share my truth with others, no matter how difficult those truths may be. I am learning how to be authentic, how to drop the mask of who I think I “should” be, so that I can be who I am. I have already dropped so many masks, and yet there are still so many more to go. I have come so far on the path toward healing and transformation, and yet am so far from where I want to be.

These are difficult parts of the journey; the treacherous middle passage where I cannot go back, and yet my destination is so far away it appears only as a vague shadow on the horizon. I am a healer of the universal pain of collective consciousness, holding on to my faith through the darkest of nights, submerged in the deep wells of grief inside. I am birthing a new self, and yet still carry the marks and scars of the past. I am a navigator from the future, creating my reality as I live it, in each moment. We are together in this struggle, each striving for the highest expression of our souls to pour forth the love of our Divine Source so that others may be bathed in the light, so that we may serve as vessels for the infinite power of Unconditional Love. I am in deep gratitude to bear witness to the Healer in others, and to be supported as I uncover the Healer within myself.

Being Ready for Presence

Cover of Ram Dass' book Be Here Now

As I continue to strive toward self-actualization, one major area of development has been in my capacity for presence. In order to create movement in this area, I am learning a lot about dissociation and how to prevent and contain it. Dissociation is a condition most of us experience regularly - a state of being unaware of one's true feelings or physical sensations or not being fully aware of the current moment. Dissociation is often used as a coping strategy to survive conditions that are too difficult to handle. It is a common response to trauma, and can also be triggered by another person being dissociated around you. Most people experience dissociation regularly, and it is so common as to be seen as largely unremarkable in our lives. I am now working to shift that expectation for myself, striving toward full presence in every moment of my daily life. While I may never meet this goal, just the act of working towards it has greatly changed how I experience my everyday existence.

One strategy I am using is identifying when I am in a the state of dissociation and what it feels like, as well as practicing techniques for coming back into the present moment. Additionally, I have been reflecting on what keeps me from being present in my life, and how to minimize those experiences and encounters. Being an urban American, it is very challenging to eliminate the conditions that elicit my dissociation. As I exit public transportation each day and am confronted by drug addiction, homelessness, and human defecation on the sidewalk, I dissociate. I am unable to endure feeling the full impact of the injustice and sickness of my city and still go to work and focus on other things. While certain moments of dissociation such as these seem somewhat unavoidable currently, there are many other places that I can intervene and cultivate greater presence. Much of my tendency to dissociate stems from a resistance to accepting reality as it is. This is true in the case of witnessing extreme poverty, but is also true in other ways, such as my resistance to my own stage of development. I like to see myself as someone who is ready for anything, able to take risks, face challenges, and try new things. While this is often true, there are also many times when I do not feel ready for whatever is in front of me. In the internal conflict between this fact of non-readiness and my self image of readiness, I dissociate so that I can move forward as if I were ready. I resist being fully present in that moment, because I do not want to accept my true feelings. This lack of acceptance and resistance to my own truth is a major cause of dissociation, and an area that I have the ability to work on. When I can accept myself as I truly am, I can stay present with myself through difficult moments; I can accept the reality that I may need to wait before taking on a new challenge or facing a particular risk. On this long journey towards presence, I am currently working to accept myself as I am, rather than as I'd like to be. Letting go of resistance, I can respond to each moment fully and genuinely, acknowledging my truth and acting accordingly.

Unconditional Love

Over the past year of concentrated work to rewire my brain, I have experienced many areas of explicit transformation – areas where I knew I wanted to change my approach or my automatic thoughts and behaviors – and where I have subsequently seen significant shifts. One of the surprises of this project, however, has been those areas of change that have occurred as a side effect of other aspects of my transformation. For example, as I have continued to strengthen my ability to connect with people and my capacity for emotional intimacy, I have seen significant transformations in the areas of love and romance. This would not be particularly remarkable, as emotional connection is so directly related to love and romance, however the extent of this shift has been unimaginable. I have experienced a full paradigm shift in how I understand and approach love and romantic relationships. As I have worked to uncover my shadows, and as I endeavor to love them in the same was that I love my bright shiny parts, I have become more comfortable with revealing these shadows to others. This blog is one aspect of my practice of openly sharing my shadows. This process of revelation has led to much deeper interpersonal connections than those I had previously experienced, and has transformed my understanding of love. Previously I saw love as something that happens when people see all the good parts about you and appreciate and enjoy them. Now I have a more holistic understanding of love as a connection that encompasses all the messy parts, all the broken parts, all the parts I’d like to be different or am in the process of changing, as well as all the “good” parts about me. This is what unconditional love is – something I was never able to fully conceptualize until I had the blessing of receiving it. And I am only able to receive it because I have opened myself up to revealing all of me, making all of myself available to be loved. This takes a lot of trust and requires another person capable of safety, patience, generosity, and kindness. It is a slow and scary process, but so worth it!

This concept of unconditional love is so mind expanding it’s hard to believe that it’s real. And yet, as I remember my life in great detail, I am bearing witness to the process of loss that occurred, the hundreds of instances that caused me to hide away different aspects of myself from this cruel and dangerous world. As I continue to integrate the 30 years of my life thus far, I can see more and more personal experiences and moments I witnessed happen to others, relationships and interactions, societal messages and inherited traumas that caused me to hide my true self away and present a false face to the world. But without revealing one’s true self, True Love is impossible. Even when I did experience love, it was love for a false self I was presenting, love for a mask, rather than love for my true self. I have a long way to go in dropping the mask and fully revealing myself - shadows and all - but I can say that as much as I am able to reveal is as much love as I am able to receive. Let this be a motivation that keeps me on the difficult path toward self-actualization, self-love, self-acceptance, self-witnessing, self-compassion, and self-healing. Accepting where I am is difficult, and grieving the painful places I’ve been even harder, but where I’m going is so beautiful it’s worth the wait, worth the process, worth the sadness and fear in-between here and there.