Having finally cracked open my heart to the point of feeling
many of my emotions more fully and consistently, I am struggling to cope with
the challenge this presents. I spent so many years avoiding my feelings with
various numbing strategies for precisely this reason – fear of what it would be
like to feel the depths of my pain and grief. And while I am very proud of
myself and excited that I now have access to my emotions, part of me still
wishes for the deep joy without the deep pain, for the bliss without the
heartache, for the ups without the downs. I know this is unrealistic, and
actually not desirable because the harder emotions are guideposts, helping
steer me towards healing and towards the lessons my soul came into this
lifetime to learn. And yet, one sleepless night and one day full of heartache
are so exhausting and overwhelming.
I want to be “healed”, to be better. I want to be in
integrity, to shine my light with no layers of armor, no old coping strategies
clouding my decisions. I am watching myself repeat old patterns, unable to
intervene, unaware of what I am doing until it is too late. I am trying to
forgive myself for these moments, to love the broken, messy, distorted parts of
myself. I am trying to love my humanness, my imperfections, acknowledging my
areas for growth without shame, without guilt, without self-criticism and
self-harm. It is so hard! I sing myself love songs in my head to drown out the
mean voices still calling to me, still telling me that I will never be good
enough, that I can never be loved. I wish to show up for myself as my own
teacher, gently guiding myself toward new understandings with patience and
kindness and caring, without judgment for my inexperience or ignorance. I am
just learning how to be in full integrity, just beginning to unfold so that I
can share my truth with others, no matter how difficult those truths may be. I
am learning how to be authentic, how to drop the mask of who I think I “should”
be, so that I can be who I am. I have already dropped so many masks, and yet
there are still so many more to go. I have come so far on the path toward
healing and transformation, and yet am so far from where I want to be.
These are difficult parts of the journey; the treacherous
middle passage where I cannot go back, and yet my destination is so far away it
appears only as a vague shadow on the horizon. I am a healer of the universal
pain of collective consciousness, holding on to my faith through the darkest of
nights, submerged in the deep wells of grief inside. I am birthing a new self,
and yet still carry the marks and scars of the past. I am a navigator from the
future, creating my reality as I live it, in each moment. We are together in
this struggle, each striving for the highest expression of our souls to pour
forth the love of our Divine Source so that others may be bathed in the light,
so that we may serve as vessels for the infinite power of Unconditional Love. I
am in deep gratitude to bear witness to the Healer in others, and to be
supported as I uncover the Healer within myself.
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