Impatience is a trait I've struggled with for many years. Partially this is a control issue - I want things to happen the way I think they should, including at the time I think they should. It is also related to my strong sense that time is fleeting, that there is never enough time to do everything I want to do, and that I need to "use" my time as wisely and strategically as possible. I have felt this way since I was a child, when I would strategize about how to get my homework done as efficiently as possible, mostly during the school day. This obsession with managing my time gives me a false but reassuring sense of control and power over different situations. While this has been helpful in terms of minimizing my anxiety, it is also very stressful over time. It is incredibly difficult to relax and be present in the moment when I am attempting to do everything as quickly as possible. From simple tasks like sweeping or doing the dishes, to complex tasks like organizing an event or fundraising for a film project, I rarely enjoy the process because I am in a rush.
The practice of mindfulness is a direct challenge to this, a structured way to slow down and be still and reflect. This is a major challenge for me, and my impatience becomes glaringly apparent as I struggle to sit still for 10 minutes without looking at the time, or just willing it to be over. Even as I see the benefits of having a mindfulness practice, it is hard to convince myself that it is a good use of my time. The concept of using time is one that I need to further address, however for now I am simply observing my desire to control time, and tendency to rush around non-stop. What am I running from? What am I running toward?
Fortunately, time is a consistent thing - always 24 hrs a day. So, do what you can and remember you kinda have roll_over minutes in a way. Stop running, start walking. No need to outrun our internal pacemakers!
ReplyDeleteI love the concept of roll-over minutes for this. Thanks :)
ReplyDeleteMuch has changed about this over the past 10 years, and the essential aspect of it is still very much here. I still highly value efficiency, and yet I feel more nuance around when to prioritize speed. As a parent with young children, my life is excruciatingly inefficient, my capacity to do things quickly is extremely limited. This has stretched me so far in accepting this slowness, and it is still often uncomfortable for me to go slowly. I even move quickly when I'm walking down the hall at home. It's in my bones.
ReplyDeleteThese days I move so much more slowly than I once did, and there is a huge drop in "productivity" as a result of this more mindful, centered way. The slowness of mindfulness is incompatible with Striving. I was steeped in Striving at the time I was writing this blog post - fully surrounded by it in all of my queer and Jewish and radical cultural contexts in Los Angeles and in my family of origin. I didn't even know what not striving was, or what moving slowly looked like until I moved to small towns and rural places in my early 30s. So yes, mindfulness does hamper our efficiency in the material reality. But it also greatly increases our efficiency in the spiritual realms. In this way, I can reconcile my value of efficiency with centering mindfulness as my way of life.