I have been super busy all weekend. This was partly due to necessity, but mostly by self-determined over-scheduling. This is a common problem for me, one that I have been working on for at least two or three years already. Keeping extremely busy is a coping mechanism that I picked up as a child, and have been using religiously ever since. Being busy keeps me from having to experience my feelings, because there is always some sort of activity to distract me from my emotions or to keep the silence away. This is one of the more difficult coping mechanisms to address, because it has given me many fantastic experiences, opportunities, and adventures. At the same time, I know that I have used busyness as a way to avoid important internal work, quiet work, less glamorous and less exciting self-care. Unlike some of my obviously unhealthy strategies for avoiding my emotions, this one feels complicated. As I begin to redefine productivity and reexamine my values around work and achievement, I am conflicted about my general busyness. Yesterday, for example, all of my plans were social and meaningful, and yet it felt like too much. Today, my plans were mostly work related, with some exercise and family time as well. All of these activities fit into my general values and interests, and yet I can feel that I didn't have a restful or rejuvenating weekend.
Compared to where I was two years ago, when I first started addressing my tendency to over-schedule, I am shocked at how far I have come. I used to work up to bedtime nearly every night, not on paid work but on my pet projects. Because most of my over scheduling fits into my values and interests - largely art projects, activist projects, or community building endeavors - I am quite torn about where to draw the line for myself. These are all activities that help me to feel whole and joyful, and yet it can still be too much. I constantly have a To Do list longer than I can possibly complete, and I always have more interests than I can pursue. Sometimes this feels incredibly frustrating, and I feel obsessed with spending every waking moment strategically, so that I can cram as much into each day as possible. And yet I know that this diminishes that quality of each experience, leaves me feeling harried, and can prevent me from fully experiencing my emotions. If anyone out there has a similar challenge, I'd love to hear from you. How do you determine when to say no to an enticing or exciting event or project? How has your thinking on this evolved over time?
What are your core values? Are they aligned with how you spend your time?
ReplyDeleteAlso, when we keep saying yes to projects, we say no to completion... though yes is a powerful affirmation, it can be a hindrance to living fully.
Finally, less to-dos and more ta-dahs will help!
This is why I set priorities instead of making to-do lists. If it's not a top priority, it doesn't actually need to get done. The way I know if it's a top priority is what Tera says: does this align with my core values? Is this one of the very small number of areas towards which I want to put my energy? This alone has not created the lasting change in habits that I want to see, but it's been a start...
ReplyDeleteWell... this continues to be a struggle! Becoming a parent has changed this profoundly, as a huge percentage of my time is spent with my children in ways that are not efficient, and often not productive. That has been a huge stressor for me, because I feel even more pulled to producing and activity when I'm not with my children. And, it has helped me learn more about spaciousness and smallness and slowness. Their worlds are so tiny, even at 4 and 6, but even more so when they were tinier. They do not care at all what impact I make on the world, what art I produce, or how I show up outside of our family and mini community. This has helped redirect me toward my values / priorities as mentioned by the commenters above.
ReplyDeleteUltimately, I think this is a lifelong journey for me. I am constantly having BIG ideas and HUGE inspirations, and I also have a LOT of capacity to materialize those ideas. And I continue to get better at sifting through them for what is the next right option to focus on. I like what Tera mentioned above - saying Yes to one thing is saying No to something else. There is just so much art to make, so many events to produce, so many books to read, so many friendships to cultivate, etc.
These days I have been working on The Sustainability Cycle, which helps me determine whether something is aligned or not. Firstly - is this activity Rest, Resourcing, or Output? If it's output, am I already rested and resourced for it? If not, how can I shift to an activity that is restful or resourcing? If I have the resources already, is this Output what feels most aligned in this moment, and in the bigger picture of what I'm building at the moment?
While there is still A LOT further to journey, this shift toward sustainability over this past year has felt like a game changer. I can only know what is within my capacity if I am actively tracking my capacity, and adjusting my activities moment-to-moment (as much as possible) in response to that reality.