I have always bucked the rules, but have
tended to do so in subtle ways, appearing to fit in while simultaneously
ignoring the official rules of my surroundings (whether that be school
policies, federal laws, or cultural norms). I found this to be the easiest way
to get what I wanted; something I thought of as a reasonable shortcut. I followed my own sense of right and wrong, but ignored the outside world’s
version of morality by simply going around those rules that did not
particularly suit me. This
was a largely successful strategy for many years. Being so dissociated from my emotions, it wasn’t hard to do.
Now that I am endeavoring to be wholly true to myself, to be present in every moment, the "harmless" lies feel significant. They feel like a betrayal of my true self, a denial of what is. As I strive to be a truth teller, my relationships have become significantly more intimate. And yet the walls with some people have remained as high as ever. I don’t know if there is anything I can do to change this, or perhaps it is simply a matter of time. Either way, I am feeling lighter, happier, and more joyful, even when the truth is ugly or embarrassing or painful. As I change, those around me change. We are all interconnected, and transformation is a communal
process in many ways.
I've done a lot of work on this over the past 10 years. These days I think of this as an issue of integrity. If I appear to go along with something rather than be open about who I am or what I'm doing, I am out of integrity in that area. And being in integrity is the most precious and important guide for navigating my life. So, these small ways that I hide myself can have a big impact on my sense of self, and my capacity to stay true to myself at more important junctures. If I don't practice integrity in small ways, how will I have the muscle memory to be in integrity when it really counts?
ReplyDeleteOne way this is currently showing up: When I am in a close relationship and I don't assert my boundaries, or I don't enforce them when someone pushes on them, I am risking the relationship. Because I know that my resentment and avoidance will build over time, and I will slowly pull back farther and farther. This is how I feel with small lies I tell to myself, the inconvenient truths I choose to deny. Each one takes me one step farther from myself. And so, it is a daily practice to be in truth telling mode as much as possible, and to keep course correcting back to that aspirational destination, even as I continue to regularly choose perceived safety over truth.