This has been an intense day. Going through my grandmother's apartment, packing up her things, reliving great memories, and mourning the loss of her life with my family is surreal. And yet I feel mostly numb. I do feel sad, but it's a far away kind of a feeling. It's hard to bring the sadness to the forefront of my awareness. Even as I struggle to do so, I can see certain changes compared to how I would have experienced this a month ago, before I started rewiring my brain. I was able to engage each family member in a discussion of how they were feeling. This may not sound significant if your family is one that acknowledges feelings in general, but in my family this was extremely noteworthy. I received more logical answers than visceral responses from everyone, but my question was answered, and I learned something new and intimate about various family members in the process. I keep reminding myself that change is gradual, that every small step is integral to the process of transformation.
I have been reading an interesting book about kaizen, a Japanese method of change that involves continuous improvement through extremely small daily steps. Kaizen involves asking small questions, taking small steps, solving small problems, giving yourself small rewards, and recognizing small improvements. This fits very well with the process I designed to rewire my brain, and also involves a lot of patience, which I have been cultivating slowly. Would you like to go on a slow walk with me today?
Hell yeah...
ReplyDeleteThere are always the little things that drive you nuts that somehow take on a much larger meaning.
I recently had electrolysis on my nose. The inside. (Over-share!)
But it was the most liberating thing I've done in a while. (Is that pathetic?)
A million little things. But that's how change happens, and continues to happen. Keep going.
Deb
I'm enjoying this post from 10 years ago because I can see in it not only my own growth, but that of my family. In the time since I wrote this, everyone in my immediate family has made shifts in their capacity for expressing their emotions as well. Very gradually, in very tiny steps, there has been a small increase in sharing our feelings with one another. And while the change is not dramatic, it is a change none-the-less, and I think testament to the ways that each of us can change our relationships through changing ourselves.
ReplyDeleteAs my capacity for vulnerability has increased, I am able to offer myself more to my family, which then creates more safety and room for their vulnerabilities as well. And, my capacity to notice these micro shifts has also increased. This has increased my ability to lean in to those tiny openings, to notice and appreciate them, to be present with what everyone *does* have to offer, rather than just focusing on what isn't here in our connections.