 |
| The private entrance to Brookfield House, Banbridge (2) by Albert Bridge |
Living wholeheartedly means accepting who I am, including those things I don't particularly like about myself. As I work on self-acceptance, I have come to believe that secrecy is inherently an expression of denial or dissociation, and cannot accompany true acceptance of who I am. Even if I ultimately wish to change something, the first step is to accept what already is. But, is there a distinction between secrecy and privacy? If I don't want someone to know something about me or my experiences, is that always a bad thing? What if it's only particular people that I don't want to know particular things? I think that any time I don't want someone to know a particular piece of information about me, it is worth analyzing the motivation for this desire. Am I ashamed? Am I trying to avoid a particular reaction? Does it feel too emotionally charged to handle at the moment? Am I afraid of material consequences such as losing a job or promotion, losing a friend, or putting someone else in danger? If it is a judgment that I am avoiding, I believe it falls into the secrecy category. If it is simply not someone's business, then I think it might just be an issue of privacy.
Sometimes, however, it is unclear why I do not want to reveal something - I am confident that the person will not judge me and they do not hold any power over my life. In these cases, I think the motivation is one of creating distance, or preventing a certain level of intimacy. Is this secrecy? Privacy? Something else entirely? I have always been a very private person, but is this just a way to avoid true intimacy? If someone knows you fully, then you are vulnerable to them. They have the power to hurt you. By keeping my distance from people, I can protect myself from this potential. I do reveal very private things about my life through my poetry, hip hop lyrics, and this blog. And yet, there is a builtiin distance to written communication. Perhaps that's why I like it so much. I just have to keep reminding myself, small steps and small actions will lead to big changes eventually.
hi kali. i love this post. you've captured well something that's been on my mind for years! i struggle at my workplace with this issue, and have come to believe that notions of privacy are culturally bound, infuenced by gender, race, class and ethnicity. have you thought about this?
ReplyDeleteHi Flaurie,
ReplyDeleteI'm really glad you mentioned this, because the ways in which privacy varies by culture and place actually just came up today in conversation. From what I have observed in different families as well as friends from different cultures, I can tell that identities effect how people understand privacy. I think that queer culture is more open to what others may consider "private", possibly as a reaction to the ways that our lives have been deemed socially inappropriate in the past. I'm not sure where Jewish culture falls within this matrix. What do you think?
Thanks for the comment!
You're not paranoid if you want to keep some things to yourself. I don't get into full disclosure with most people.
ReplyDeleteA lot of info is out there on me, and if people look for it, they will find it.
Most of the time, they're too lazy and self-involved, so they don't, and we all play nice. (These would be the Hollywood-types I work with.)
The idea of privacy, we are told by corporate marketing machines, is passe--don't believe it!
Hold on to what you want to hold on to. Share want you want to share.
Once again, if you have dealt with people who constantly over-share, especially when young, this can make you recede. I don't know that I've written about that specifically--my Dad would constantly overshare to his detriments and everyone else's embarassment...
I am still influenced by that and often tell myself, "Nobody wants to hear about your BS," and I turn on the TV and tune out.
So, if you feel you really have something to contribute - let it out - you are sensitive enough to knw the difference. In this culture of over-sharing and celebrating the most narcissistic jackasses, those of us who have something good to say often stay quiet too long.
Remember Echo's fate at the bank with Narcissus.
Blah, blah, blah, etc., whatever.
See what I did there?
Deb
Nowadays I have more clear distinctions about why I am keeping something to myself, and more clarity on when to push past that impulse to withhold. Particularly if I am wanting to keep something from my closest people, I am usually looking at a shame response, and my current process is to tend to the Part feeling shame, and then specifically reach out and tell someone whatever the thing is - usually a mistake I've made or something I consider gross or wrong about me.
ReplyDeleteI also have a much clearer sense, mostly from Brené Brown's work, on who has earned my vulnerability with their trustworthiness and that those people are who I choose to share with. Her BRAVING acronym has helped me gauge the trust level I have with different people, and whether I am accurately assessing whether or not to share with them, or whether I have a Part that is activated and is feeling overly protective with someone who actually is safe for me to share with.
Also, when I wrote this post, there was no one who had full access to my inner world. Everyone I was close to had a slice of my truth, which felt much safer than anyone fully knowing me. While I still have that protective strategy to some extent, it is waaaaay less prevalent than at this time. Many more people are significantly closer to knowing me than at this time, mostly because I feel less shame and therefore there is less content that I want to hide from people in my life. In conclusion - this question / pattern is still there, but with more capacity to navigate intimacy.