I am so exhausted today, and feeling overwhelmed. There are an infinite number of things to do, and an infinite number of things that will never get done. I have to keep reminding myself that this process is just one step at a time, and that the journey of my life will continue whether I attempt to control it or not. The resting times, the slowing down, the backsliding, and the incubation are as much a part of this process as the growth spurts, the inspirations, and the innovations. The journey is as endless as this spiraling staircase. Life is a spiral, an experience with many twists and turns, many repeating but altered patterns. As I complete each revolution of the spiral I return to previous situations or circumstances or emotions, but with new experiences, understandings, and abilities. This gives me many opportunities to practice and improve on different aspects of my life as issues reappear over and over. Sometimes this is comforting and I am grateful to get another chance to heal, but other times I'd just as soon skip the second and third times having to deal with the same difficult issues. Someday I hope to embrace the entire process wholeheartedly without resistance. That is a long way away, but I'm sure I'll have many opportunities to practice in the meantime.
I'd still quote myself on this: "The resting times, the slowing down, the backsliding, and the incubation are as much a part of this process as the growth spurts, the inspirations, and the innovations." And I'm still working on it! It is so easy to get caught up in the fantasy of Before and After, of linearity, of "progress" and so important to be reminded of the true Messiness of it all.
ReplyDeleteAbout 5 years ago I dropped this goal of becoming someone who "embrace[s] the entire process wholeheartedly without resistance" and fully accepted myself as someone who kicks and screams as I go, yet shows up for my process none-the-less. It has been so incredibly freeing to accept the fact that I don't like it and feel resistance and show up anyway - To let that be who I am and how I operate without trying to change it. This allows me to celebrate the amazing fact that I do show up to do the work so consistently, even if I'm not in the most "ideal" calm and centered state while I'm doing it!