How do you know when something is "worth it" or not. In the past I have been a very results driven person - concluding that something was worth it only once it was a success. As I work to see the process of self-discovery, self-reflection, and self-actualization as the goal itself, this attachment to outcomes seems outdated. Trying to live with integrity is worth it in and of itself. Trying to make small changes that improve my life is worth it too, regardless of what outcomes these efforts may yield. This has proven to be quite difficult for me. This outlook requires that I find an inherent sense of self-worth that is unchangeable, regardless of day-to-day circumstances. I am still working on this, but have found that this approach is quite liberating and energizing. When I am less hung up on outcomes I am able to take more risks, have more adventures, and be more carefree and joyful. While I am certainly still not fully there, the glimpses of this that I have experienced so far make me want to continue to work on this. Learning to see the inherent dignity in all people and in all living creatures is helpful. It helps release me from the idea that I earn my worth by my accomplishments. As I begin to explore this outlook more I am finding that I can still take pleasure in my accomplishments, but with a greater sense of joy and a diminished sense of relief. I used to feel relieved by my accomplishments, because it meant I had paid my rent for that month of life on the planet. Now that feeling of relief is slowly being replaced by a feeling of joy, a deep satisfaction that is not attached to a sense of owing anything, or of being constantly in debt like I used to feel. I still have a long way to go on this particular journey, but it is exciting to see this shift happening.
This continues to be a significant challenge for me. And, over the years I've come to see the nuance more. I am deeply satisfied as a visual artist with drawings I make for myself or that less than 100 people will ever see. As a filmmaker, I want tens of thousands to see my films. As a writer / speaker, I want hundreds of thousands to read and hear my words. And so I ask - where do I most feel that insatiable desire to accomplish big things? And, can I lean in to the ease of satisfaction I feel in other areas more fully?
ReplyDeleteI continue to grapple with the feeling that I "should" have accomplished more by 39, especially given where I was at 29. And also, it was a direct trade-off between becoming more well-rounded in the ways this blog originally supported, and becoming way less centered on productive action in the world. I became way more oriented toward relationships as I began to heal my avoidant attachment. I loosened my grip on productivity as I became a parent. And here I am 10 years later, less accomplished, slower, and much more intimately connected to those around me.
And yet, there's this insatiable drive for purpose that I can't shake. It feels obsessive at times, relentless: This feeling that I need to see the results of my efforts. Just recently, I've begun to reframe "seeing" these results, because my deepest work intervenes in generational patterns and is therefore unfolding over multiple lifetimes. I am working in the 5D - 3D reality plus the dimensions of Time and Space. And so, from this more expansive view, it is easier to be less attached to results, because I know I can't possibly understand them fully. Just because I can't see something doesn't mean it isn't there. And so, in this way I can practice non-attachment more deeply.