I am a very focused person, or I can be anyway. I can focus on a single task for hours at a time with barely any distracting thoughts, feelings, or even physical sensations. You probably know the feeling - getting up from the computer after hours, only to realize your shoulders are aching and your back hunched over, physical sensations that didn't even register while you were concentrating. I am usually conscientious of my posture/ergonomics because of on-going wrist, shoulder, and back issues, but sometimes my attention is so laser-focused that none of this matters in the moment. On the other hand, I can spend an hour just staring off into space, trying to convince myself to do the work that I have in front of me. As I continue analyzing my unconscious actions, reactions, and emotional states, I am trying to discern the reasons for the focused attention, and for the totally unfocused times. Sometimes this lack of attention is simply because I need to rest and am trying to do too much, sometimes it's because I'm not dealing with some emotion that is distracting me from concentrating, sometimes it's because I really don't want to do the task at hand, sometimes it's because I'm afraid or overwhelmed by the task.
It is not always easy to tell which of these I am experiencing at a given moment. Like right now - I was unable to focus on a grant writing task, yet I seem to be composing this blog post just fine. Am I scared of writing this grant? Am I too tired to use my brain so analytically? Am I distracted by some feeling I'm suppressing? In trying to analyze and discern the causes of my reactions, I feel like a linguist trying to translate a newly discovered language with no living speakers. All I have are small clues - sensations in my body mostly - that I am trying to interpret with limited information. As I begin to reconnect my brain to my body, however, I am starting to discover some helpful patterns. I am identifying certain habitual thoughts triggered by specific feelings, for instance, and how sensations in my gut, heart, and throat align with particular feelings. It's as if I'm developing a translator's guide to my self, for my self. This takes a great deal of attention, intention, and data retention. But once I have the guide developed, hopefully it will prove useful for many years to come.
Good. Know your triggers. Also, get up and take a walk. Or a nap. OK, the walk is better.
ReplyDeleteThese days I have a much greater capacity to track and name my experience as it's happening. And while I am still often stuck in that frozen place where I can't get certain tasks done, especially important adulting work, I am usually aware that it is happening. Sometimes I am too overwhelmed to be curious about the sensation and explore what is blocking me, and sometimes I know what the block is but am still unable to move through it. And, sometimes, I am able to ask for the support I need to work through the block, and can eventually shift into Doing.
ReplyDeleteNow that I have a more realistic sense of what it takes to become aware of a block and then eventually work through it, I'm more discerning about which things I try to push through and which I let go. I have never found grant writing easy, and I don't do it anymore. That was one I could let go of because it's not required for adulting. While in other areas that aren't easy for me, I have explicit buddy systems in place, because I know that I need accountability if it's going to happen. And still, there are plenty of days where I sit staring out a window or numbing in other ways to avoid an overwhelming task.
One of my goals for this year is getting better at addressing my blocks when I encounter them, particularly through using the strategy of asking for help sooner. I think it's important for all of us to normalize our need for help to accomplish our basic adulting, as has been true for all people throughout human history, and only became a "personal failure" in the last generation or two. We cannot do life it alone, we never could, and we never will. So, let this be another reminder to me to ask for support in moving through these blocks with more ease and self-love!