What is it that makes someone family? There are the obvious genetically related family members, but in my queer universe there are so many other types of family members than that. In my family of origin there are very few genetic relatives, so we always cast a wide net as to who was considered family. My uncle's wife's sisters become family, while a family member's ex-wife remains part of the clan, with her second husband and children added to the mix. Anyone from my ethnic background is also considered family of a sort. This made the transition to queer concepts of family an easy one for me. Ex partners remain in my life, friends become family, friends' families become my family, etc. Often, it is easier for me to feel emotionally intimate with my non-genetically related family. Partly this is because my family tends to be so repressed emotionally, but I wonder if there are other factors as well. Does it somehow feel safer because they are chosen family, because there is a bond of friendship or love that has not come about because of kinship? Is it because the members of my chosen family tend to have similar politics or belief systems to me? Or perhaps it's because there are less ingrained unhealthy patterns to fall into than with the family members who have known me since I was born. Whatever the reason, I am so grateful to have chosen family to connect with, to support me as I mourn my grandmother's death, and to help model healthy emotional communication and care.
"less ingrained unhealthy patterns to fall into" gets my vote..
ReplyDeletewhy "it is easier for me to feel emotionally intimate with my non-genetically related family."
"Partly this is because my family tends to be so repressed emotionally" also perhaps with non-genetic family THE WAY we're emotionally intimate, as mature adults, with similar takes on life....I'll just say it, it's similar to a new sexual relationship where we openly explore each other, mind and body. since we can handle it...WE GO THERE...
Throughout most cultures, there's an overemphasis on blood relations, and what they mean. Sometimes they mean jack s--t. Or, worse, they mean abuse, and other awful things.
ReplyDeleteIt's pretty simple, people you've "adopted" as family are better because you picked 'em.
I drove across town to eat dinner at a divey place last night with my partner's family. I then had to explain to to her that I LIKE spending time with her family, because they are the OPPOSITE of mine in so many ways...
I often find other peoples' families more pleasant to deal with even if they also have their issues, just because they aren't the same issues as the ones in my family. I feel better equipped to deal with them, and WAY less triggered by them too!
DeleteIt's sobering to be with the fact that I feel less connected, less intertwined with chosen family these days than I did 10 years ago. Partly that's the past 3 pandemic years, partly that's the isolation of parenting in our current cultural context, partly that's having moved 4 times during that 10 years...
ReplyDeleteFor all those reasons, I feel less clear who is in my chosen family than I have at any time since I left my home and family of origin at 18. I think the world is also more shattered and community has broken down even more over these past 10 years than it was in 2013. This feels like one of the biggest griefs that I carry in this time, and one that feels unending. And yet I simultaneously yearn for and consistently invest in developing relationships that might result in a close knit network of chosen family again. Hopefully if I reflect here again in 10 years, I will once again be in a place where chosen family relationships are a part of my daily life.