I have avoided conflict for as long as I can remember. As the youngest child I took on the role of the peacemaker in my family, and the one who never had any needs of my own. I am extremely easy going by nature so that made it easier, but the accompanying fear of conflict has been a hindrance to getting my needs met in my life. At the moment I am taking an intensive two-week conflict resolution training, which is helping me to reframe the purpose and value of conflict. The purpose of the training is to be a mediator, rather than one of the people involved in a conflict, but much of what I am learning is applicable to my personal conflicts as well. The main shift in my thinking so far has been in seeing conflict as a neutral event that can bring about positive as well as negative results. Although I have experiences with conflicts that have drastically improved situations in the past, I have still always viewed conflict as negative. As I am learning about the differences between retaliatory cycles of conflict and reconciliatory cycles, I feel more empowered to intervene in a conflict. Although I cannot control the outcome, I can make decisions about how I contribute to solving or perpetuating a conflict. I still have a lot to learn, but I'm excited to see how this might help transform my life over time. I am sure I will have a lot of chances to practice with conflict!
It's really helpful to have this reminder of the possibility of reconciliatory cycles of conflict in this moment where I've been stuck in a long-term retaliatory cycle of conflict.
ReplyDeleteAlso, over the past 10 years I've greatly deepened my capacity for conflict and have had incredibly powerful and transformative experiences of conflict, as well as the heartbreaking times where I'm stuck reliving old unhealthy patterns and both myself and the others involved cannot transcend our trauma responses.
I have been so deeply inspired and in awe of those entrenched dynamics that are able to shift through directly facing the underlying conflicts. And it's been my honor to walk alongside people on that journey as a mediator. I've also gotten to experience reconciliatory cycles of conflict as a harm causer, as someone harmed, and in ambiguous experiences of mutual harm.
And, seeing the depths of who I can become in my worst moments in conflict, is humbling and terrifying. And ditto for those I love. Humaning in such traumatic times, in ancestrally traumatized bodies, is impossible. And sometimes conflict is impossible too. And, sometimes, it can be the door to a whole new universe of possibility.