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As my 30th birthday nears and the first part of my brain rewiring process comes to an end (including ending my daily blog posts here), I am struck by how quickly and how significantly things are shifting in my life. By focusing on my biggest ideas and most daunting dreams, and by putting focused attention into healing and creative energies, much has been stirred up in my life. This is incredibly exciting, mind-blowing, and satisfying, and yet it also brings challenges. The biggest challenge is assuaging my fears including the risk of the unknown, fear of failure, and the fear that I do not actually deserve all the amazing things coming into my life. From reading the work of people I admire, it seems that these fears never really go away, although they can diminish over time. I will always feel fear, but if I can recognize excited and energizing fear from the fear that means I should avoid a particular decision, I can keep diving in to the deep end of the pool again and again. Even though I know all of this, I feel so tempted to shrink my desires down to a "reasonable" size, to deny my yearnings for great and unimaginable things. Shrinking my dreams feels safer in some part of me, even while simultaneously feeling deadening, draining, and depressing. How can denying my true self feel safe? From past experience I know this to be the most dangerous thing I can do. Denying my true self has made me take unreasonable risks in the past, nearly costing me my life as I attempted to suppress my true self. And so, I will continue to put my dearest ideas and deepest dreams out into the world, sharing these tender and vulnerable brain children with you, and with the universe. Change is constant, and everything is already in motion whether I like it or not, so I might as well put my true desires into the energetic mix as well. Scary as it is, it is more the thrill of a roller coaster ride than the terror of a car accident. Who knows what will grow out of the many seeds I have planted over this past 86 days. The shoots that are starting to come up so far are even more beautiful, strong, and vibrant than I ever could have imagined.
Awesome!!!
ReplyDeleteI concentrate on my breath or meditate for a sec when that unproductive fear gets up in intensitiy, it helps redirect it for me.
So many coherent posts, a great trip and amazing result ; D
It is hard to reckon with all that has transpired over the past 10 years. We have such a strong myth of "progress" culturally, and I think this post was falling into that paradigm. These past 10 years have seen so many changes and transformations, some of which feel like improvements, but some things are different but not better or worse, while others are harder than they were.
ReplyDeleteI will say that some fundamental shifts have occurred that make it easier to be in my skin - a deepening of acceptance for my foibles, a foundational healing that has shifted some of my earlier compulsions toward numbing. And yet, I have a pretty similar baseline level of contentment as I did 10 years ago.
According to the research, this is a human phenomenon. People's happiness level is constant even as their circumstances change. So perhaps there's less to "fix" after all, since it won't necessarily solve what we think it will anyway? And, for some reason I feel compelled to continue focusing on healing and planting seeds of possibility, even while holding a more realistic view of what potential there is for "progress". 🤷🏻