As I peal back the layers separating my thinking self from my emotions, I am wondering how many layers there are inside of me. It seems like I have many inner worlds, some closer to the surface that I am fairly aware of, and some much deeper down that I do not know at all yet. Are any of these inner worlds my true self? How do I know if the layers I am uncovering are true representations of who I am? Or are they perhaps just twisted reflections of an inner self that is yet to be revealed? Or perhaps they are gateways to other realms of being? I think this is why change can feel so frightening - the state of flux, of in-between, of not knowing can be so disconcerting. I am generally drawn to change and adventure, but this sort of internal change is very different than moving or traveling or switching jobs. Today I feel overwhelmed, doubtful, and fatigued by the process. I keep telling myself that it is temporary, that there will come a point where the rewiring will be mostly done. Then it will be mostly maintenance and renovations rather than structural work and deep cleaning like it is at the moment. Part of me believes that I will come to the point of maintenance rather than construction, but the rest of me feels unconvinced. It's day 82 and my life isn't transformed, this part of me says, so what can I really expect from the next three months, or the three months after that. I know that change has already happened, is happening, but it's hard to be satisfied when it could always be bigger, better, or brighter. For today, I'm trudging along, but hopefully someday I'll be skipping down my path, less resistent, less pessimistic, less fearful of the future.
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ReplyDeleteWell... this has continued to be a hard lesson for me. I came to deeper acceptance around age 35 that there wasn't going to be a lot of "skipping down the path" in my change journey, LOL.
As far as what these deeper layers are, these days I'd say that I was getting to know more and more Parts, who all make up my internal landscape. And the more I meet and connect with my Parts, the more I know myself. None of them are my true Self, who is the spark of life force energy that connects me to the Oneness. But they are all real and important aspects of the truth of who I am. And they are infinite, and the uncovering will never be done. The only constant is change.