Day 90: The End... of the beginning

The Neural Network by rajasegar

Today is my 30th birthday and also marks the 90th day of my project to rewire my brain.  Rewiring my brain is my birthday present to myself, and it's the best present I've ever given or received! On Day One I wrote that this would be "A project to reconnect my heart to my head and to rewire my neural pathways. The more you think something, the more you strengthen the neural pathways of that thought - like creating a highway of thoughts - and I've got some "thought highways" I'd like to reroute!"

For the past 90 days I have been proactively rewiring my neural pathways in order to alter certain damaging habitual thoughts and actions, including a perpetual disconnection between my mind, body, and soul. In addition to demolition of certain repetitive thoughts and behaviors, I have been constructing new thoughts and actions to replace the old. This blog was part of the process, which also included much reflection, writing, reading, and listening to music related to the new "thought highways" I have been building in my brain. To rewire my brain, I divided this 90 day project into nine 10-day units which each focused on demolition and reconstruction of a specific region of my mental highway system (otherwise known as neural pathways). While the major demolition and reconstruction has occurred in these nine areas, the brain remodeling process is definitely not over. However, the first round of rewiring is now complete and that means it's time for a celebration! Although no areas of rewiring are finished, this project has put into motion much healing, growing, and changing. As I enter my 30th year, I am so curious to see where the rewiring process will take me next. Thanks for taking this 90 day journey with me, and for sharing your thoughts with me as well. I love seeing how all of you are growing and developing in your own processes too.

Day 89: Happily Undone

Undone Melody no.39  by derekdavalos, remixed by Kalil

Tomorrow is my 30th birthday and I feel ready for this milestone. This blog and the brain rewiring process it is documenting are a big part of the ready, waiting eagerness I'm feeling. The next phase of my life (and of rewiring my brain) is almost here, and I my arms are open. My heart is still not fully open, and my brain has many more wires to untangle and dismantle, and new wires to grow and discover, but I feel solidly on my path. While there is much left to do, I have made noticeable progress over the course of this project, and for that I am grateful. For example, today I had way too many things on my To Do list at work, and was unable to get through them all. While this is certainly not a new experience in any way, my reaction to it definitely marks a shift for me. I realized from the beginning of the day that I wasn't going to get it all done, and just let it go. I accepted that only a small portion of the tasks at hand would be crossed off the list, and it didn't effect my mood at all during the day. I worked at a reasonable pace, took a few breaks, and left when it was time to head home. Although in the past I would have realized that I couldn't get everything done, it would have bothered me all day. I would have worked at a frenetic pace, highly stressed and upset with the situation the entire time I was at work. I may have gotten a few more things done than I did today, but not that much more. I would also have spent the entire day stressed, unhappy, and thinking negative thoughts. Instead, when I arrived home tonight, I was ready to have an enjoyable evening, and I also feel happy to finish some things tomorrow that didn't get done today.

Day 88: Communal Healing

One of the most significant and impactful pieces of the brain rewiring work I have been doing over the past 88 days has been the input, support, and guidance of people around me. Throughout this process I have been helped with advice, new perspectives, and leadership from many unexpected sources. Most of these have been people who are on similar journeys, or have been through similar experiences to the brain rewiring process in which I am currently engaged. Although this process is focused on rewiring my own brain, it is also a communal process, and one that I am very happy to be able to share with you, dear readers, as well as with others in my life, both online and in person. A major reason that this sharing has had such an impact is that our culture in general is sick, we as individuals are feeling the impact of this illness, but the disease with which we are infected is occurring at the level of our entire society.

Most people, including myself, were taught from a very young age to fit into this diseased system, to find our place within the ailing and infectious structure. This has led to much pain and dissatisfaction on the individual, as well as the communal, level. Tonight I had the pleasure of hosting a dinner party with friends who have all been through, and are currently engaged in, similar journeys of healing. This is a life-long process that will not be over in two days, when I will culminate this particular 90 days of brain rewiring. Although this concentrated effort has yielded considerable results in this short time, there is still much more work to be done on this front, for myself and for the society in which I live. It is only by connecting with others, by supporting each other, by engaging in group rituals of healing and rejuvenation, that I can maintain the energy needed to continue to rewire my brain as I move forward in my life. I feel extremely lucky to have a supportive, intelligent, and creative community with whom to travel this journey. I could not ever do it alone, so thank you for being a part of my process in whatever way you have been involved. I look forward to entering phase 2 of rewiring my brain with you by my side.

Day 87: Mediated Emotions

The Day We Rewired My Brain by tomswift46

Some days my emotions feel so far away, so inaccessible. My awareness of my emotions becomes mediated by my intellect, but what I think I should feel. So today I tried to tune in to my body, to the sensations on the physical realm, as a doorway into understanding the feelings related to particular physical sensations. While this is a sound strategy in general, and one that I have found to be effective at times, today I wasn't able to get any information from my physical body. It's as if there is a wall blocking out my feelings as well as my physical sensations from my awareness. What am I so afraid to feel? Why does my mind try to mediate my emotions, and how can I stop thinking so much and just feel?

I am frustrated that my mind and body and spirit are still so separate, so alienated from one another. Even so, the progress that I have made in rewiring my brain is significant, substantial, and worth celebrating. I am still excited about how far this process has already taken me, but also reminded of how much more rewiring there is to be done! I imagine a team of tiny electricians inside my brain, busily untangling and sorting the many wires, slowly improving and enhancing various regions of thought and emotion as they go. Yesterday I felt the positive feedback of how much has changed as I begin to rewire my brain, while today I am feeling how much further there is to go. Yet again, I am reminded that every step is a small one, all progress is gradual, and that I have a lot to learn in this lifetime.

Day 86: In Motion

Empowered Universalis by JamesCreations

As my 30th birthday nears and the first part of my brain rewiring process comes to an end (including ending my daily blog posts here), I am struck by how quickly and how significantly things are shifting in my life. By focusing on my biggest ideas and most daunting dreams, and by putting focused attention into healing and creative energies, much has been stirred up in my life. This is incredibly exciting, mind-blowing, and satisfying, and yet it also brings challenges. The biggest challenge is assuaging my fears including the risk of the unknown, fear of failure, and the fear that I do not actually deserve all the amazing things coming into my life. From reading the work of people I admire, it seems that these fears never really go away, although they can diminish over time. I will always feel fear, but if I can recognize excited and energizing fear from the fear that means I should avoid a particular decision, I can keep diving in to the deep end of the pool again and again. Even though I know all of this, I feel so tempted to shrink my desires down to a "reasonable" size, to deny my yearnings for great and unimaginable things. Shrinking my dreams feels safer in some part of me, even while simultaneously feeling deadening, draining, and depressing. How can denying my true self feel safe? From past experience I know this to be the most dangerous thing I can do. Denying my true self has made me take unreasonable risks in the past, nearly costing me my life as I attempted to suppress my true self. And so, I will continue to put my dearest ideas and deepest dreams out into the world, sharing these tender and vulnerable brain children with you, and with the universe. Change is constant, and everything is already in motion whether I like it or not, so I might as well put my true desires into the energetic mix as well. Scary as it is, it is more the thrill of a roller coaster ride than the terror of a car accident. Who knows what will grow out of the many seeds I have planted over this past 86 days. The shoots that are starting to come up so far are even more beautiful, strong, and vibrant than I ever could have imagined.

Day 85: Synchronicity

Asking for what I want is a powerful technique for receiving it. This seems so obvious, and yet has not been that easy to believe. Somehow, it seems safer to hide my desires, to protect myself from the disappointment of not getting them. While this does protect me, it simultaneously limits my ability to actually realize my dreams. This year I have been asking for healing, asking for support, asking for community. And I have received all three in ways so much greater, so much more potent, and so much faster than I ever imagined possible. I tend to think of synchronicity as an affirmation that I am on the right path, that I am exactly where I need to be. And right now, it feels so powerful. With only five days until my 30th birthday, I feel so opened up to the possibilities that await me in my next decade of life. Thanks to all of you for the support, love, encouragement, wisdom, vulnerability and openness that you have offered to me during the past 85 days. It has had an incredible impact on my rewiring process, and on my life as a whole.

Day 84: Needs

What is a need versus a desire, a preference, or an optional improvement? I have always valued my independence and felt pride in my ability to take care of myself, in seeing myself as a "low needs" person. Not having many needs or relying much on other people has felt fairly natural for me. I have a "go with the flow" personality and have mostly experienced physical and financial health, so this belief in independence hasn't been majorly challenged so far in my life. I know, however, that this is unlikely to remain true throughout my lifetime. The process of aging often leads to greater dependence, and there is always the possibility of financial instability. In addition, I no longer believe that it is better to have fewer needs, or that having needs makes me weak. Or at least, I no longer believe these things on some level. Part of my brain rewiring process involves shifting long-held thought patterns, and this value of suppressing my needs for the good of the group is deeply ingrained. There are several sources for this particular belief. One is being the youngest in the family, and everyone else having more power and control to get what they wanted. I learned to go with the flow rather than constantly fighting to get what I wanted. Additionally, the USA is predicated on the idea of rugged individualism and the value of self-sufficiency, so I was seeped in this outlook as a child as well. My family also reinforced this notion by not relying on anyone to help us during financially precarious times, and also by not helping those close to us when financial tides reversed.
    I have suppressed my needs for so long, for so many reasons, in so many contexts, that even recognizing needs as something more than wishes or desires is challenging for me. Where is the line between preferences and needs? How much should I "tough it out" or accept a situation, versus trying to change it to better suite me? How can I tell when I am being selfish versus when I am standing up for what I need and advocating for myself? The first step is to even realize that I am suppressing something. Most of this has happened at a subconscious level until now, and is only just starting to surface as I become more tuned in to my internal world. The next step is to identify which of those preferences are actually needs and should be met if possible, and which I can let go. And so the journey continues...

Day 83: Healing

Healing Energies by Kalil

As I learn more about the process of healing emotional wounds and begin to engage more directly with the various planes of existence outside the "five senses", I am struck by several thoughts. There are an infinite number of realities happening at each moment; each person's reality, the interconnected realities of all living creatures, the historical memories that are affecting the present moment, and many more. It may sound esoteric and it can be hard to comprehend, but it is very real. As someone who likes to have control, being aware of these other ways of knowing, experiencing, and being can feel quite unsettling. At the same time, since I already don't have control over the world (duh), it is quite freeing in a way too. The ironic things is, the more that I understand the many planes of existence, the more control I actual do have, or rather influence, on my material reality. Don't worry, I haven't started believe The Secret or anything, but there is some real power in intention, in manifesting, in aligning with the world around me in co-creation. As I bring a greater spiritual practice into my life, I am looking forward to connecting with these other forms of knowing more deeply, more regularly, and more effectively.

Day 82: Inner Worlds

Tangible Galaxy by Graehound

As I peal back the layers separating my thinking self from my emotions, I am wondering how many layers there are inside of me. It seems like I have many inner worlds, some closer to the surface that I am fairly aware of, and some much deeper down that I do not know at all yet. Are any of these inner worlds my true self? How do I know if the layers I am uncovering are true representations of who I am? Or are they perhaps just twisted reflections of an inner self that is yet to be revealed? Or perhaps they are gateways to other realms of being? I think this is why change can feel so frightening - the state of flux, of in-between, of not knowing can be so disconcerting. I am generally drawn to change and adventure, but this sort of internal change is very different than moving or traveling or switching jobs. Today I feel overwhelmed, doubtful, and fatigued by the process. I keep telling myself that it is temporary, that there will come a point where the rewiring will be mostly done. Then it will be mostly maintenance and renovations rather than structural work and deep cleaning like it is at the moment. Part of me believes that I will come to the point of maintenance rather than construction, but the rest of me feels unconvinced. It's day 82 and my life isn't transformed, this part of me says, so what can I really expect from the next three months, or the three months after that. I know that change has already happened, is happening, but it's hard to be satisfied when it could always be bigger, better, or brighter. For today, I'm trudging along, but hopefully someday I'll be skipping down my path, less resistent, less pessimistic, less fearful of the future.

Day 81: The Nature of Work

Passing Time by Hiking Artist.com

What is work? Is it only the things I don't want to do? Is it anything that earns me more money than I spend doing it? Is it doing anything someone else tells me to do? Is it necessary? If I were a recipient of inherited wealth to the point of having no financial concerns in my life, would anything I did be work? What about the annoying tasks that are a part of something larger that I do enjoy and want to do? What about those tasks that are annoying, but result in something I enjoy, such as washing the dishes or doing the laundry or sweeping resulting in a pleasantly clean space? I think that every activity has the potential to be work, or the potential to be play. For a professional athlete, exercise might be work, while for me it is a form of relaxation. As I continue to redefine my values, rejecting the idea of "hard work" a value, I am also trying to reexamine the concept of work as a whole. Is it truly a necessary evil without which our world would cease to function? I know I can be reliable and diligent about doing things that are not typically defined as work in the sense that no one is paying me for it or supervising me.

Now that I am semi-retired, I have the time to analyze the nature of work, and am in the process of deciding whether it is actually necessary in my life. While I do not imagine myself digging a small dirt room into the side of a mountain and living completely off the grid, I can see myself living off of very little money and therefore needing to generate very little money to survive. This raises all my fears around security and safety, however, as I have been taught to see money as a safety net. While money can provide very real safety in certain situations, it is certainly not always what is needed to help fix a situation, and really cannot be counted on when we live in such tumultuous economic times. What if time is my currency of choice? Time feels significantly more valuable to me than money, and choosing what to do with my time gives me a great sense of power over my own life. It's also impossible to hoard extra time, which has some advantages over money as a currency. I have to spend it wisely as I go, getting the most value out of each irreplaceable hour. Of course, for a perfectionist like me, this idea can easily have me spinning down a rabbit hole with the desire to spend each moment in the "perfect" way. But then if relaxing is the perfect way to spend this moment, how can I do so when I am feeling anxious about how I spend the hour. This is definitely another area for growth!

Day 80: Giving to Get

Love illusion by ~Sidux

I met my new baby cousin a couple of days ago and felt so much love for him. He's only six weeks old, and I don't really know anything about his personality, other than that he likes to eat and sleep. The love that I felt for him was definitely irrational, i.e. outside of my rational mind. I was trying to figure out why I feel so strongly towards him, as compared to how I feel in the presence of other babies. Part of it is that I know I'm going to get to watch him grow up, to play a significant role in his life from now until one of us passes on out of this plane of existence. I can't wait to get to talk to him once he can talk, and feel so curious to hear what he will say to me. At this point, all I can really do as far as interacting with him is to give him love. He can't really interact back yet, or only in the most subtle of ways. The love emanating from him feels like that which I feel from any baby, an excited newness of having just arrived in the world. As I consider the amount of time and effort I will put into taking care of him over the next few years, I wonder if it is an investment in some imagined future where I will get to have more interesting reactions with him. Children are fairly uninteresting to me up to about 4 years old, when I start to feel like there's more content to our interactions. This experience made me think about unconditional love.

In general I operate in the mainstream paradigm of giving love to get love, rather than giving love to give love. Sometimes I do not wish to accept another's love because it feels too big, it feels bigger than I could ever give back to them. Accepting that level of care feels like it comes with a responsibility to reciprocate "evenly", to give the same amount of care as I get. And yet, with children and family relationships the paradigm is different. The amount of love feels reciprocal, but the care that represents this love is much more slanted. As the adult, you give so much more than you get, and it feels reasonable. Each person is giving at their capacity, and the adult's is greater than the child's. This seems like a useful structure for all relationships, not just those of children with adults. And yet, I am afraid to receive, afraid that I will not be able to give in kind. Unconditional love, however, is not measured on a scale such as the one I am imagining. Maybe if I act like I know and understand unconditional love, I will eventually get to know and understand it. Giving without keeping track is one piece of this process, as is receiving without judging myself for being the getter rather than the giver. Although I am sometimes discouraged by the long road ahead, I'd rather be heading toward unconditional love than in any other direction.

Day 79: Framing

Out of the frame by ~vikashkrgupta

As I rewire my brain, I am changing my outlook more and more. I am seeing things from a different angle, rephrasing my thoughts to make subtle but important distinctions, and reframing my problems, needs, and conflicts. As someone who works with children, I am adept at refocusing a child's attention to a different detail or aspect of a situation that they are happier about. I have done this in my own life in many ways as well, choosing often to build on the successes rather than trying to repair the failures. It is a powerful technique that has had many positive effects in my life. There is a point at which this technique becomes more harmful than helpful, however. When I avoid looking at certain problems, it can foster denial or purposeful ignorance. At what point does reframing become a denial of reality? Considering I'm quite doubtful these days about the nature of reality itself, this becomes an incredibly difficult question to answer. I think the only possible answer is the answer of the gut - if it feels like a lie, or a suppression of a truth, then it is denial of reality. If the reframing thought feels more freeing and uplifting, than it is probably a useful strategy.

Day 78: Yearning

Why does leaning toward my desires feels so much scarier than leaning away from my fears?

Why does the unknown feel more scary than it does exciting?

Why does my imagination feel less powerful than my automation?

How do I refocus on the infinite possibilities rather than infinite barriers in life?


When, when, when, will my inner child come out and play?

Day 77: Intention

Tranquility by ~ProjectConsciousness

Mental exercise strengthens the thoughts being practiced, just as physical exercise strengthens the body. Practicing Intention in my thoughts also cultivates attention, reception, perception, and conception. Practicing intention, attention, reception, perception, and conception also has a side effect of slowing down time. Each mole hill of a moment becomes a mountain. Each detail of the moment is transformed into an experience of its own. While this is great for moments of happiness and joy, why practice mindfulness when slowing time down is undesirable, where I want to minimize the experience as much as possible? In learning to practice mindfulness, I have struggled to be attentive to my thoughts, actions, reactions, feelings, physical sensations during moments of heightened stress. I subconsciously keep myself distracted to the present moment, without realizing that I am trying to avoid a certain feeling or reaction. These are important moments to practice mindfulness, however, as going toward my fears (in this case of scary emotions) is what will ultimately release them. This has been a great challenge for me, however I am hopeful that it will improve over time. While I rewire my brain through intentionally and repetitively thinking new thoughts, the old thought patterns are still very active. The grooves of these thought patterns are well-worn, and my brain can trigger them almost instantaneously. Through the daily practice of bringing attention to my unconscious thoughts and habits, however, I can adjust course away from these thought patterns more quickly than in the past, counteracting these negative thoughts with other more affirming thoughts that I truly believe. I don't use affirmations that I don't believe to be true, but there are plenty of positive thoughts I do believe and yet never think. By proactively integrating these new thoughts into my daily life, I hope to slowly transform my reality.

Day 76: Efficiency vs. Effectiveness

Visual Analytics By PNNL - Pacific Northwest National Laboratory

I have spent so many years honing my efficiency, getting faster and faster at meaningless tasks. I learned this as a child, spending as little time as possible on the busywork they called schoolwork. I had this down to an art. In eighth grade I did my Earth Science homework each morning on the bus to school, French homework during Earth Science class, etc. throughout the day. In this way I passed the day in compliance, but strategically, so that I wouldn't have to do anything else at home later that night. At the time I believed I was playing the system, but I was simultaneously becoming accustomed to it. I was being trained mostly to show up somewhere at the same time each morning, sit quietly, do what I was told, and repress my own natural interests, feelings, and points of attention. And I was complying with this part of the system.

I was efficient at existing within the system, but not effective at creating my own reality. Efficiency is the art of doing any given task in the quickest, easiest way. Effectiveness, on the other hand, is the art of prioritizing the important tasks. When I am effective, I am separate from the mutually agreed-upon systems in which most people operate - the consensus reality that falsely binds our actions. As a child, I was given sets of false choices. Would I rather have broccoli or brussel sprouts? Did I want to do my homework during school or after school? What about learning what I want to learn, eating what I want to eat, and focusing on manifesting whatever it is I want to manifest? Rather than efficiently moving toward other people's goals, I wish to effectively manifest my own.

Day 75: Power: A Paradigm Shift

Adapted from Bold Imaging fmri, Dr Frank Gaillard

What if none of the "rules" that govern my life actually exist? What if I don't "have to" do anything? What if I can invent my own life, actualize my own existence in co-creation with the world around me? What if I can do all this, and still pay the bills, live somewhere I enjoy, and connect with people around me? This is the paradigm shift that I have been moving toward since I was a teenager,  fascinated by alternative communities, alternative economies, and exploring alternative paths through life. And yet, I continue to hold myself back in certain respects. Is the truth of my power scarier than the fear of my disempowerment? Is my divine aspect more frightening than my shadow? This reminds me of the quote by Marianne Williamson: "Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our Light, not our Darkness, that most frightens us." Why is this fear of our own Light so widespread? Is it the product of living in an authoritarian society where the rules and regulations are designed to control everyone? We could not be successfully controlled if we were self-empowered, while fear of our own power keeps us disempowered. This clearly benefits those already in power, but how is this fear injected into US culture and society, and into the human brain in general? What can I do differently in my own life to embrace my power wholeheartedly? Many people are afraid that if we claim power for ourselves, we might become like those who oppress us. Running from power is not the answer, however, but understanding it is. I seek the power of self-determination, not power over others. As the Power paradigm continues to shift within me, the distinctions between types of power should become clearer. For now, I am working to recognize my power to act in many realms of Being, far beyond the "rules" of society or the confines of human history.

Day 74: Planned Relaxation

Today was a much needed day of relaxation and rest, a day to meet my health and wellness needs. As someone with strong tendencies toward over-scheduling, a day like today presents a real challenge. I still had a list for the day mind you, it just had items like yoga and sitting in the garden and meditating on it. I still did two important items I didn't complete yesterday, and did some fairly significant cleaning. But I was talking on the phone to a good friend while cleaning, so that was still relaxing. Do these "Doing" activities negate the time I spent on health and wellness today? Do they tarnish the relaxation I experienced overall today? Will I ever have a day with no lists at all? I do have occasional list-free days, but they usually involve me being in another country, at a retreat, or otherwise totally immersed in an experience outside of my regular life. And yet, I feel so content that I did so many "good for me" things today. And I know I would have done less of them without my list - probably filling in the time with watching videos or surfing the internet, which are definitely not healing or wellness activities for me. These are the times when I wonder how much to use my particular Type A tendencies to my advantage rather than trying to "evolve" beyond them. But perhaps this outlook will keep me stuck in a paradigm I no longer subscribe to where Productivity is the highest value. Maybe I will eventually view constant list-making as inherently flawed. There must be some Type A readers out there. What do you think? Are you able to harness your peculiar organization and planning obsessions for good, or do they just get in the way of you relaxing and going with the flow?

Day 73: Reality is all in your mind

This reality is broken. by *streamline69

The more I learn about the brain, perception, memory, and receptivity, the more acutely aware I am that we are each experiencing our own unique reality tunnels that we believe represent the world. This begs the question "what is the nature of reality?" Reality is in the dynamic flowing movement, reality is in the interconnectedness of all things, reality is in the relationships and interactions, and in each present moment. There is no frozen reality that is unresponsive to the present moment. There is no reality to the judgments in my mind, there is no reality to the categories and stereotypes, there is no reality even to my memories or interpretations. These judgments and categories and memories are my own personal reality tunnel, but do not represent anything more.

At first this feels disconcerting, like there is longer solid ground under my feet. At yet, it is also the greatest liberation. I do not "need" to have a job/career, work 40+ hours a week, or produce a certain amount of stuff. In fact, most of the people I admire or emulate do not conform to this particular Protestant-Capitalist vision of living. As I work to create a reality tunnel that I enjoy and that serves me, rewiring my brain is crucial. I cannot reject these frameworks and ideas that were handed to me by my society, my education, my family, and my milieu, without replacing them with something else. For example, my semi-retirement is one way that I am creating my own reality tunnel around work. Creating a new reality for myself is fun! It is also incredibly hard to think very far outside the parameters of dominant society. One helpful technique for me has been to read books by people who have created their own unique lives outside the systems that govern most people. These accounts inspire me, open up my imagination, and remind me that life truly is whatever we create out of it. I'm so curious to see where this will all lead me next.

Day 72: Connection

I am exhausted but very satisfied after a busy but incredibly connected day. Today I was connecting with people, connecting with my body, connecting with my spirituality, connecting with my visions, and connecting with my values. It was not a planned focus for the day, but I kept following my instincts towards the activities that were pulling at me, and the connections just kept on coming. A day like today would not have been possible 73 days ago, before I started rewiring my brain. I could not have sustained this level of connection throughout the day because the barriers separating me from other people, my body, my spirituality and visions and values were too great. After 72 days of trying to reconnect my heart and brain, to prioritize relationships and rest and relaxation, I was able to enjoy the way today unfolded. It was productive in the sense that I did many different things and was quite active all day, but not in the sense of an outward product to show for the time. I wonder if this particular type of very active day will leave me tired tomorrow, or perhaps I will be more energized because of how connected I was all day. I will have to wait until tomorrow to find out. For now, I am going to get some much needed relaxation time before bed. Good night!

Day 71: The Minimum

minimum standard certification by sajbrfem

I have always been a very judgmental person, with self-judgment at the top of the list - thanks Mom! As I work to let go of this trait, I am struggling to find a new outlook. Do I have to lower my expectations to mediocrity? Should I expect the minimum quality in all things? Somehow this does not seem right, and yet I'm not really sure what the alternative is. I guess I could continue to hope for great things, but be more accepting and less resistent when they don't happen? Earlier today I was telling a friend that I was disappointed because I've only been doing the minimum work of rewiring my brain for the past few weeks, and I want to be more dedicated to the process. As an overachiever, I rarely consider the minimum to be acceptable, even when I am not particularly invested in the class or activity at hand. In a project like this, where I am very committed and have set the parameters for myself, I inevitably judge my ability to follow my own plan. And yet, I set the minimum for this project at the level of commitment that would create lasting change. My minimum includes time each day for reading, writing, reflecting, talking to others, and just Being. So when will it be enough for me? When will my abilities, my foibles, my failures, and my spirit be enough? This particular struggle of mine is rooted in the mindset of conditional love, which I was taught as a child in my own family, in school, and in society. Conditional love means that we are only lovable when we do lovable things. Conditional love equates "good" behavior with "good" children, and "bad" behavior with "bad" children. Therefore, if I did something bad, I was bad. And to continue to be good, I had to do good things. True love, which is unconditional, is available for all people, for all creatures, for all matter, simply because we exist. Hopefully once I truly integrate the divine wholeness of unconditional love, doing the minimum won't seem so undesirable and I won't judge myself so harshly when it is all I can do.

Day 70: Receptivity

Motus Tragicus VII: radix actionis visus by ~diosenzanome

The walls that serve to keep my emotions suppressed also block reception of external energies. While I have been working more on feeling and communicating my emotions, being able to receive is as important as being able to give. Receptivity is a key role in the ever-flowing energy exchange between people, between ideas, between bodies. Without receiving from others, we are each wholly separate and therefore perpetually lonely. And yet, receptivity is so demonized, so belittled in US culture as weak, inferior, or indecisive. As I aim to become a part of the flow of energy, the flow of life, around me, I am working to open this channel of my being more purposefully. I am starting with sensations by consciously receiving the sensations of my breath, my heart beat, the feeling of my clothes on my skin, and the sounds around me. I can only do this for a short time before my mind wanders off into thinking again. I will continue to work on it though, because wisdom comes from being receptive, from taking in information from all six senses, without judgment or the need to control. It is only when I receive neutrally, passively, that I gain accurate information. Being receptive also means slowing down, listening deeply, with no distractions. Living in the first decades of the Information Age, it appears that we are all receiving more information than ever before. And yet, most of what we are receiving is static, garbage, distractions. It is mediated information, and therefore we are not truly in a state of receptivity. We get information when and how we want, from sources that will confirm our own biases. Real receptivity is being open to information at any time, from any source, with any message. I am a long way off from actually being this receptive, but at the moment I am practicing in small ways. I am also working to embrace the idea of receptivity as a desired and crucial trait rather than as a weakness or flaw. Have you worked to grow your ability to receive? What have you done that has worked? Any thoughts or advice would be helpful!