I am exhausted but very satisfied after a busy but incredibly connected day. Today I was connecting with people, connecting with my body, connecting with my spirituality, connecting with my visions, and connecting with my values. It was not a planned focus for the day, but I kept following my instincts towards the activities that were pulling at me, and the connections just kept on coming. A day like today would not have been possible 73 days ago, before I started rewiring my brain. I could not have sustained this level of connection throughout the day because the barriers separating me from other people, my body, my spirituality and visions and values were too great. After 72 days of trying to reconnect my heart and brain, to prioritize relationships and rest and relaxation, I was able to enjoy the way today unfolded. It was productive in the sense that I did many different things and was quite active all day, but not in the sense of an outward product to show for the time. I wonder if this particular type of very active day will leave me tired tomorrow, or perhaps I will be more energized because of how connected I was all day. I will have to wait until tomorrow to find out. For now, I am going to get some much needed relaxation time before bed. Good night!
My capacity for sustained connection has changed profoundly in the past 10 years. It's inspiring to see how this was beginning to shift in significant ways after a couple of months of this rewiring process, and really amazing to see how it has shifted in the ensuing 10 years. I am still someone who needs more alone time than most people, but I am so much more available for long, depthful experiences of intimacy than I used to be. Capacity for connection feels like a muscle that I build and maintain through exercising it. So my capacity has varied throughout time depending on my circumstances, but this process 10 years ago created the baseline muscle strength that I then build on and support depending on what intimacy I have access to at any given moment.
ReplyDeleteI have also greatly increased my capacity to proactively reach for connection rather than only being responsive to another person's expression of desire for intimacy. Even in my loneliest moments these days, there is a profound and significant baseline of connection that I could not have dreamed of 10 years go.