What if none of the "rules" that govern my life actually exist? What if I don't "have to" do anything? What if I can invent my own life, actualize my own existence in co-creation with the world around me? What if I can do all this, and still pay the bills, live somewhere I enjoy, and connect with people around me? This is the paradigm shift that I have been moving toward since I was a teenager, fascinated by alternative communities, alternative economies, and exploring alternative paths through life. And yet, I continue to hold myself back in certain respects. Is the truth of my power scarier than the fear of my disempowerment? Is my divine aspect more frightening than my shadow? This reminds me of the quote by Marianne Williamson:
"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our Light, not our Darkness, that most frightens us." Why is this fear of our own Light so widespread? Is it the product of living in an authoritarian society where the rules and regulations are designed to control everyone? We could not be successfully controlled if we were self-empowered, while fear of our own power keeps us disempowered. This clearly benefits those already in power, but how is this fear injected into US culture and society, and into the human brain in general? What can I do differently in my own life to embrace my power wholeheartedly? Many people are afraid that if we claim power for ourselves, we might become like those who oppress us. Running from power is not the answer, however, but understanding it is. I seek the power of self-determination, not power over others. As the Power paradigm continues to shift within me, the distinctions between types of power should become clearer. For now, I am working to recognize my power to act in many realms of Being, far beyond the "rules" of society or the confines of human history.
This continues to be a challenge. I feel more clearly rooted in self-empowerment and "power with" as the types of power that matter to me. And yet, the fear that having power will lead to me becoming an oppressor is definitely still there. Particularly in regards to financial power. It has felt easier to stay low-income than to face the truth of who I would be if I had more money. But this year I have taken significant steps to interrupt that pattern, including creating some clear visions of what I would do to use financial power in support of equity if I were to have it, and how to put systems in place to ensure that I follow through if I find myself stewarding more financial resources in the future. One focus areas for this year is releasing the pattern of underearning.
ReplyDeleteI also continue to explore and live outside the norms of society, and yet not as far outside of them as I yearn to. Fear is the primary barrier to truly designing my own life outside the structures of capitalism and individualism. It is a nebulous fear of all that could happen without the tenuous safety of "belonging" and "acceptance" that comes from some level of conformity to the systems that surround me. May I release these fears, and lean in to the specific nightmares that I can face. (See post from Day 67 for the distinction between fears and nightmares).