What is a need versus a desire, a preference, or an optional improvement? I have always valued my independence and felt pride in my ability to take care of myself, in seeing myself as a "low needs" person. Not having many needs or relying much on other people has felt fairly natural for me. I have a "go with the flow" personality and have mostly experienced physical and financial health, so this belief in independence hasn't been majorly challenged so far in my life. I know, however, that this is unlikely to remain true throughout my lifetime. The process of aging often leads to greater dependence, and there is always the possibility of financial instability. In addition, I no longer believe that it is better to have fewer needs, or that having needs makes me weak. Or at least, I no longer believe these things on some level. Part of my brain rewiring process involves shifting long-held thought patterns, and this value of suppressing my needs for the good of the group is deeply ingrained. There are several sources for this particular belief. One is being the youngest in the family, and everyone else having more power and control to get what they wanted. I learned to go with the flow rather than constantly fighting to get what I wanted. Additionally, the USA is predicated on the idea of rugged individualism and the value of self-sufficiency, so I was seeped in this outlook as a child as well. My family also reinforced this notion by not relying on anyone to help us during financially precarious times, and also by not helping those close to us when financial tides reversed.
I have suppressed my needs for so long, for so many reasons, in so many contexts, that even recognizing needs as something more than wishes or desires is challenging for me. Where is the line between preferences and needs? How much should I "tough it out" or accept a situation, versus trying to change it to better suite me? How can I tell when I am being selfish versus when I am standing up for what I need and advocating for myself? The first step is to even realize that I am suppressing something. Most of this has happened at a subconscious level until now, and is only just starting to surface as I become more tuned in to my internal world. The next step is to identify which of those preferences are actually needs and should be met if possible, and which I can let go. And so the journey continues...
This continues to be a challenge for me - both knowing what my needs are & expressing them, and also figuring out how to discern when something is a need vs. a preference. Is there really a difference? Perhaps it is a continuum and a need is a really strong preference, which then crosses over into being classified as a need?
ReplyDeleteHaving needs is still scary because I received so much positive reinforcement for being easy-going as a kid. So I still feel afraid that people won't like me if I express needs. And, I've made huge strides around boundaries in relationships, and when a need involves me saying No to a situation, I am much more able to do so.
These days, I see boundaries as a gift that fosters greater safety in the relationship and decreases the risk of resentment. When I know you can say No, then I can trust your Yes. And vice versa. So I'm pretty good with saying no, but asking for something to happen that isn't already happening feels harder. Then I get into the internal conversation about whether it is a need or a preference and I usually just get stuck there and never speak up.
So I think the next step is to lower the bar for speaking up - what if I also expressed preferences, and then we could decide if we are going to compromise or collaborate in some way to find a solution that works for everyone. This would help increase the likelihood of me expressing my desires, and allow the other person to be a part of that exploration of how strong the feeling is, and how much I'm asking the other person to stretch toward my preferences. We'll see how that process unfolds over the next decade!