I have always been a very judgmental person, with self-judgment at the top of the list - thanks Mom! As I work to let go of this trait, I am struggling to find a new outlook. Do I have to lower my expectations to mediocrity? Should I expect the minimum quality in all things? Somehow this does not seem right, and yet I'm not really sure what the alternative is. I guess I could continue to hope for great things, but be more accepting and less resistent when they don't happen? Earlier today I was telling a friend that I was disappointed because I've only been doing the minimum work of rewiring my brain for the past few weeks, and I want to be more dedicated to the process. As an overachiever, I rarely consider the minimum to be acceptable, even when I am not particularly invested in the class or activity at hand. In a project like this, where I am very committed and have set the parameters for myself, I inevitably judge my ability to follow my own plan. And yet, I set the minimum for this project at the level of commitment that would create lasting change. My minimum includes time each day for reading, writing, reflecting, talking to others, and just Being. So when will it be enough for me? When will my abilities, my foibles, my failures, and my spirit be enough? This particular struggle of mine is rooted in the mindset of conditional love, which I was taught as a child in my own family, in school, and in society. Conditional love means that we are only lovable when we do lovable things. Conditional love equates "good" behavior with "good" children, and "bad" behavior with "bad" children. Therefore, if I did something bad, I
was bad. And to continue to
be good, I had to
do good things. True love, which is unconditional, is available for all people, for all creatures, for all matter, simply because we exist. Hopefully once I truly integrate the divine wholeness of unconditional love, doing the minimum won't seem so undesirable and I won't judge myself so harshly when it is all I can do.
Yep. I'm familiar with this one. Quieting that judgmental voice is a tough one. I think it's about filtering it out, rather than trying to drone it out with other voices. You're on the right path.
ReplyDeleteThis continues to be a challenge for me. I generally think of A+ level of performance as my bar, and anything below that as disappointing and wrong. I think I still have the underlying question I was articulating here: "How can I strive for greatness while also creating an internal environment of acceptance and support for my less-than-great moments?"
ReplyDeleteThis is still a central inquiry for me, as I continuously create goals and projects and visions that are extremely ambitious, and I definitely still have a strong voice of disappointment when my accomplishments don't meet these goals. And, these days I'm in much more intimate relationship with the Part of me that finds safety through overachievement, and it's easier for me to reassure that Part that my inherent worthiness is not on the line if I make a mistake or have a B+ day. The fear and disappointment is still there, but the underlying terror that I might lose my belonging to my family and community is much less easily activated than it used to be. This feels like a huge win. It's not the level of change that I hoped for (in the A+ version of goal-setting!) but it has made a fundamental and significant positive impact in my life to have more tolerance for my own mediocrity and humanity.