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Love illusion by ~Sidux |
In general I operate in the mainstream paradigm of giving love to get love, rather than giving love to give love. Sometimes I do not wish to accept another's love because it feels too big, it feels bigger than I could ever give back to them. Accepting that level of care feels like it comes with a responsibility to reciprocate "evenly", to give the same amount of care as I get. And yet, with children and family relationships the paradigm is different. The amount of love feels reciprocal, but the care that represents this love is much more slanted. As the adult, you give so much more than you get, and it feels reasonable. Each person is giving at their capacity, and the adult's is greater than the child's. This seems like a useful structure for all relationships, not just those of children with adults. And yet, I am afraid to receive, afraid that I will not be able to give in kind. Unconditional love, however, is not measured on a scale such as the one I am imagining. Maybe if I act like I know and understand unconditional love, I will eventually get to know and understand it. Giving without keeping track is one piece of this process, as is receiving without judging myself for being the getter rather than the giver. Although I am sometimes discouraged by the long road ahead, I'd rather be heading toward unconditional love than in any other direction.
That baby cousin is now 10 years old - yep, math works! And I still love him without really knowing him. When I originally wrote this post, I lived in the same city as the baby's grandparents, and I imagined there would be significant overlap as he grew. Then the grandparents moved, and then I moved, and now I see him 1-2 times per year. The unconditional love is still there, but there isn't the same assumption of my role in his life these days. That is a loss, because I was really excited about having a more connected and consistent role in his life. And it highlights how much of our orientation towards children is based on assumptions about what will unfold and who we will be to each other over time.
ReplyDeleteNow that I am a parent, I get training every day in unconditional love, and what it means to be fully committed to someone where reciprocity is not in the realm of what care or support my kids give me, but simply in that we love each other because we are family and tied to each other through daily intimacy, and through the many acts of care and support that I give to them. (With the world so tumultuous these days, I don't feel any of the previous generation's beliefs that someday they'll take care of me when I'm old, that the care and support I offer now will eventually be reciprocated.)
Through parenthood, my capacity to give has been stretched beyond my wildest imaginings. And while it doesn't feel like a direct correlation, my capacity to receive has also increased significantly from where it was 10 years ago. Asking for help and support is still hard for me, and people offering care still brings up feelings of unworthiness. And I have learned more about discerning if there are unspoken expectations woven in to the other person's offering of care and support, and that it's ok to clarify and say accept that care only when it feels aligned. 10 years ago it felt safer to just say no to all offers of care, and now I have the capacity to consider the offer and say yes at times. And even on rare occasion to ask for care when I need it. Here's to continuing to grow more capacity in this area, and more grounding in receiving the types of care that feel truly supportive to me.