Day 69: Attention

I am a very focused person, or I can be anyway. I can focus on a single task for hours at a time with barely any distracting thoughts, feelings, or even physical sensations. You probably know the feeling - getting up from the computer after hours, only to realize your shoulders are aching and your back hunched over, physical sensations that didn't even register while you were concentrating. I am usually conscientious of my posture/ergonomics because of on-going wrist, shoulder, and back issues, but sometimes my attention is so laser-focused that none of this matters in the moment. On the other hand, I can spend an hour just staring off into space, trying to convince myself to do the work that I have in front of me. As I continue analyzing my unconscious actions, reactions, and emotional states, I am trying to discern the reasons for the focused attention, and for the totally unfocused times. Sometimes this lack of attention is simply because I need to rest and am trying to do too much, sometimes it's because I'm not dealing with some emotion that is distracting me from concentrating, sometimes it's because I really don't want to do the task at hand, sometimes it's because I'm afraid or overwhelmed by the task. 

It is not always easy to tell which of these I am experiencing at a given moment. Like right now - I was unable to focus on a grant writing task, yet I seem to be composing this blog post just fine. Am I scared of writing this grant? Am I too tired to use my brain so analytically? Am I distracted by some feeling I'm suppressing? In trying to analyze and discern the causes of my reactions, I feel like a linguist trying to translate a newly discovered language with no living speakers. All I have are small clues - sensations in my body mostly - that I am trying to interpret with limited information. As I begin to reconnect my brain to my body, however, I am starting to discover some helpful patterns. I am identifying certain habitual thoughts triggered by specific feelings, for instance, and how sensations in my gut, heart, and throat align with  particular feelings. It's as if I'm developing a translator's guide to my self, for my self. This takes a great deal of attention, intention, and data retention. But once I have the guide developed, hopefully it will prove useful for many years to come. 

Day 68: Energy and Excitement

I have a lot of ideas and sometimes it's hard for me to identify which ones I'm truly committed to and which are great ideas, but only for someone else to execute. See Day 65: Priorities for more on that. Anyway, the idea I was developing today feels right, like all the pieces are starting to fall into place, almost like it was meant to be. I'm feeling energy, excitement, and hope for the future, along with restlessness and agitation. I can see a desired future in my mind's eye and wish to manifest it. It's not here now, but if feels so close in some ways. 

Does that focus on the future automatically distance me from the present moment? Sometimes when I'm feeling stuck, as I have been for some time now, I immediately latch on to the next viable idea I come across. I concentrate on the future to relieve the discomfort of existing in the liminal space of transition, the space between identities, paths, partners, or jobs. At other times, however, this ability to see future possibilities has been healthy and positive, allowing me to reach major goals. Instinctively I know that in this case I should move toward the idea, because it feels so exciting just thinking about it, and because a lot of factors are aligning right now.

Day 67: Fears vs. Nightmares

I have discovered that specific nightmares are much less frightening than generic fears. When I think of a specific set of negative consequences, from losing my job let's say, each subsequent problem seems individually manageable. I can think of several different solutions to the problems of not having enough money for rent and bills, or trying to find a new satisfying and reasonably compensated way to earn money. When I have the vague nebulous fear of poverty, on the other hand, I essentially run away screaming with my eyes closed. The irrational part of my brain, the reptilian fight-flight-or-freeze response, kicks in and I normally flee, choosing to be purposefully ignorant of the danger rather than facing it head on. The more I practice mindfulness, the easier it is to reset to a non-agitated state once this adrenaline-fueled reaction occurs, but it is still incredibly difficult. When I am able to get myself out of the reptilian brain, I am more likely to see my problems accurately and therefore address them strategically. 

Today's realization, however, is that in addition to working to diminish my subconscious fear-response, I can also work to transform my fears on a conscious level. By looking directly my fears, I transform them into nightmares - the fear of specific negative outcomes rather than dark and mysterious unknowable suffering. Examining my fears rationally, I have full use of my frontol cortex. This allows me to go into problem-solving mode rather than fight-flight-or-freeze. I don't need to actually experience or solve the problems of my nightmares in real life, but by looking directly at each fear in terms of the real-life possible scenarios and knowing that there are possible solutions can help me see the fears and take the risks anyway.

Day 66: The Time is Short

Time feels like the most precious commodity in my life - how much I have, how I spend it, will I get more, will I have enough? I think that if I lived more in the present moment, these concerns would fade away. These are fears based on a scarcity model, whereas I am trying to embrace the idea of abundance. And yet, when it comes to time there really is a finite aspect to it that cannot be denied. Unless you are Dr. Who of course, but I digress... Today at work there were several people "wasting" my time - people who came in to chat about random things, or to try to fix tiny problems that are irrelevant to the work we're doing. This behavior is so irritating to me, completely out of proportion to its immediate impact. I lost about an hour of work time, and was potentially developing relationships that will help me "get more done" later on. And while I get frustrated about wasting money or resources, wasting time just triggers me in a whole different way. Why is this? Why am I so obsessed with wanting to control my time? And how can I get over it already? I'm feeling impatient, agitated, like I lost something that can never be recovered. I think this reaction to "wasting" time would need to change for me to actually slow down significantly. But how do I change this? This obsession with time is so deeply ingrained in me, and in the society around me. And so here I am, frustrated and feeling stuck. Any advice, friends?

Day 65: Priorities

 Choose your own adventure photo by Sage Kitamorn licensed for reuse.

Ever since I was a child, I have struggled to identify my priorities. I've always been interested in so many different things, and feel like I never have the time to do them all. I want to read all the books, see all the films, travel to all the places, have all the conversations, write all the stories, and attend all the events in which I am deeply interested. And yet, the limitations of time simply do not allow for this to happen. My trouble deciding how to prioritize my time intersects with my obsession with productivity, struggles with balance, and general over-scheduling tendencies. My priorities have shifted greatly over the last five years or so, including a pronounced shift in conjunction with the first 65 days of my brain rewiring project. I am trying to prioritize relationships, rest, and relaxation in new ways, which triggers many dormant demons of Doing. It also means a gradual adjustment of so many ways of being that affect all aspects of my life.

As my priorities continue to shift, I have so many questions to reexamine. How much Doing do I plan for a day? How do I choose what those tasks are? Does developing my productivity allow me to increase my rest, relaxation and time for relationships by getting more done in less time, or does it just further my obsession with a false value? How do I navigate the world while operating from radically different priorities and still be able to function in it?  Do you find yourself very eager for new ideas and projects, only to realize later that you have taken on way more than you can possibly handle? Have you struggled to figure out what to prioritize?  Have your values shifted your priorities, and if so how do you navigate this disconnect with the outside world? Any advice is very welcome.

Day 64: Inspirational Words from India Arie

One aspect of rewiring my brain has been finding music that reflects the values I am cultivating. The artist how has come up over and over is India Arie. She has songs about slowing down, healing,  joy, hope, and change, that I have been listening to in order to help rewire my brain. Today, I checked out her website, including her blog for the first time. I really liked this blog post excerpt about claiming your own power. I had a similar conversation with a friend recently. I thought you all would enjoy India Arie's words as well:

Excerpted from India Arie's Blog, Soulbird Journal October 3, 2012 post.

"...giving your power away means: giving someone ( or some THING) power to dictate how you feel about something, mainly YOURSELF.

When my health went out of balance for the sake of my healing, (thank God for getting my attention) I learned that I had to take my power back by:

1. Accepting what was happening and knowing that my life had to go on even while feeling profoundly flawed

2. It was my responsibility to heal myself.

3. Giving myself the care I needed to heal on a health protocol level including speaking my truth and commanding respect from the people around me.

I SEE now looking back, that embodying my power is separate from TAKING it back, I’ve lived in a constant (exhausting ) state of FIGHTING for my power … for at least the past 6 years. no maybe the last 10 years … come to think of … since my early teens ….

TODAY! My intention is to Love Myself by EMBODYING my power, to have it inside of ME at all times.

Right now at this early stage, loving myself and embodying my power is a practice that lives in the MOMENT. When something comes up and threatens to take my self definition away, I look the monster in the eye. That act of LOOKING can manifest as many thing… PRAYER (talking to God), Meditation (listening to God), journaling, asking to be shown a path to healing … calling one of my elders to talk it through, asking for a message and seeing it come up in the perfect page I turn to, or seeing a movie that illuminates the perfect truth, a dream, remembering something someone said, … but that ALL STARTS with the asking for insight into how to deal with this particular challenge and the answer ALWAYS COMES.

Excerpted from India Arie's Blog, Soulbird Journal October 3, 2012 post.

Day 63: Reprogramming the concept of Safety

                        Psychedelic Chaos Sigil by ~AntonChanning

As I gradually spend more time Being in the present, I can feel the interconnectedness of all beings in a more amplified way. I have always felt connected with the earth and plants and animals to some extent, and I believe that we all feel a deep connection to many other creatures and lifeforms on some level. But iI have found it to be amplified by the quiet stillness of Being.  In the world of Being rather than Doing, interconnectedness is central to experiencing life, unlike in the capitalist world with it's emphasis on competitiveness. We all have the same human experience: No matter how forcefully we try to dictate our destinies, there is a limit to what we can actually control in our lives. In the capitalist world view, the conclusion that is drawn from this lack of control is that we should each seize and guard as much control as possible. In the United States' unnaturally competitive capitalist culture, we've been taught that independence is safety. Our cultural norm is that since you never know what someone else might do to you, you should not rely on anyone. In reality, interdependence is a much more effective survival tactic than independence. The more connected we are with all things, the more easily we can participate in the flow of life, interacting with our environments in each successive present moment. As I become more immersed in community and appreciate how integral it is to my own wellbeing, there is a part of my brain still entrenched in US cultural drive to hoard, to isolate, to compete. Therefore, one of the ingrained thoughts I am working to rewire is that "independence = safety", replacing it with the new thought that "connectedness = safety". I truly believe that interconnectedness is what makes us truly safe in the world. And yet, I have to consciously repeat the thought "connectedness = safety" over and over to affect my subconscious mind, which has been programmed for independent, competitive thinking. 

Day 62: Alchemy

Echelon Alchemist Circle by ~psykikraithe

Alchemy is the ability to transform energy from one form to another. Alchemy is using pain to fuel art, using anger to fuel activism, using limitations to fuel creativity, using frustration to fuel innovation. I am practicing alchemy with my brain rewiring project by turning my habitual negative thoughts into habitual positive thoughts. The practice of alchemy feels empowering, and the more I do it the more I believe in its possibilities. I may never live in a world where I am free from fear, pain, anger, and frustration. I can, however, live in a world where these energetic inputs are transformed rapidly and powerfully into art, activism, creativity, and innovation. I already do this sometimes, but the practice is to hone these skills, to develop more purposefully, more strategically, and more knowledgeably over time. Perhaps you engage in alchemy as well? Whatever you transform will also transform  you. I am working to transform negative energetic inputs into positive healing and loving energies, rather than creating any negative energies through alchemical transformation. In this way, the process itself is transformational and healing as well. I'd love to hear your stories about alchemy. Have you been able to transform certain difficult experiences or energies into fuel for something else? Do you believe it's possible? Or perhaps this is all too esoteric for you to even consider. Whatever your current beliefs, I encourage you to give alchemy a try if you haven't already. In my experience it can be quite powerful.

Day 61: Emotional Vocabulary

I think of myself as a very articulate person, and yet when it comes to emotions I have an incredibly limited vocabulary. During the conflict resolution training I took earlier this month, one of the online lectures included a list of almost 100 different emotions. As I turned to that slide, my jaw literally fell open. I was shocked to see so many different words, so many different possible feelings I might be experiencing. I felt like a small child seeing the chart of facial expressions and corresponding emotions for the first time. It is difficult to accept that I am at such a basic level of understanding of the range of human emotions. I feel like I'm behind, like I shouldn't be in kindergarten anymore, but in this area I am. I also feel some anger that I was not given these tools earlier in life, that my parents utterly denied that emotions existed and repressed their own emotions at all times. Someday I hope to look at this array of emoticons and be able to name the emotions expressed by each of the faces above. For now, I'm just working to identify the basics - sad, happy, angry, and scared. One small step at a time...

Day 60: Balance

Clonmacnoise Castle [A question of balance!]© Copyright Colm O hAonghusa and licensed for reuse

I have spent two days doing very little, resting after a very active period. This is my current balancing technique. I adjust my course before it gets too extreme, such as by a period of resting after a lot of work, rather than finding a continuous balance every day, such as between work and rest. I think of balance as a dynamic process, one that is constantly in motion. When I was younger I did not know my limits, so I would hit my extremes of exhaustion and burnout and need weeks or months to recover my energy. I see this a lot in activist circles as well, where people dedicate all of their energy to a movement, and eventually deplete themselves to the point where they have to take years off to recover from it. Over the years I've learned to detect the signs sooner, to see when I am becoming depleted and take steps to replenish myself sooner. This replenishing only comes at the next convenient time for it, however, This week I was taking advantage of a holiday that allowed me the time to rest. Even though I was already at my limits for at least a few days beforehand, I had commitments that I chose to keep rather than resting. Some of these commitments were fulfilling and energizing, while others were draining. I wonder how many of the "unbreakable" commitments are actually as important as they seem in my head? Some of my commitments are truly important to me, but perhaps not as many as I perceive there to be. Someday, I hope to play until I feel like resting, then rest until I feel like playing again. For now, I will balance as best I can.

Day 59: To Love Being

To love oneself is to love Being rather than to love Doing. To love Being is to appreciate the interconnections, the co-creations, the energetic vibrations of the present moment. To love Doing is to live for the future, using the resources of the present moment. Self-love is not about loving my accomplishments, it's about loving my experience of being alive, to love Being me rather than to love Doing my life. As I excavate and repurpose my tendencies toward productivity and perfectionism I am working to alter specific behaviors, as well as to re-examine my values. I will continue to value being thoughtful about my time and giving my full attention to projects, which are particular aspects of productivity and perfectionism. I am simultaneously letting go of other aspects of productivity and perfectionism like creating my own stress and never being satisfied with anything. This is still change on the level of Doing, however. While these improvements seem to be helping me rewire my brain, I have placed too strong an emphasis on this level of change, which does not reach certain root issues. I have also been doing parallel work on the level of Being by paying greater attention to my breath, working on my mind-body communication, and developing a mindfulness practice. While all of these practices have helped, I am still strongly dominated by my Doing side, including focusing more attention on Doing my 90 day brain rewiring rather than living the process. Now that I am almost at the 2/3 mark of this rewiring process, it is time to shift my focus to concentrate more on the level of Being. Unfortunately, I barely even know what that means I'm so disconnected from it. What would it take for me to love Being without Doing? I think it is going to be a long and scenic journey to discover the answer.

Day 58: Great Quotes

I am very tired and looking forward to a day of rest tomorrow. For today, I will post some quotes.

"A great deal of intelligence can be invested in ignorance when the need for illusion is deep."
- Saul Bellow

“No culture has yet solved the dilemma each has faced with the growth of a conscious mind: how to live a moral and compassionate existence when one is fully aware of the blood, the horror inherent in all life, when one finds darkness not only in one’s own culture but within oneself.” 
- Barry Lopez, Arctic Dreams

"The key to a comprehensive theory of living systems lies in the synthesis of two very different approaches, the study of substance (or structure) and the study of form (or pattern). In the study of structure we weigh and measure things. Patterns, however, cannot be measured or weighed; they must be mapped. To understand a pattern we must map a configuration of relationships. In other words, structure involves quantities while patterns involve qualities." 
- Jim Merkel

Day 57: A Spiraling Journey

Photo is Concrete Snail, licensed for reuse.

I am so exhausted today, and feeling overwhelmed. There are an infinite number of things to do, and an infinite number of things that will never get done. I have to keep reminding myself that this process is just one step at a time, and that the journey of my life will continue whether I attempt to control it or not. The resting times, the slowing down, the backsliding, and the incubation are as much a part of this process as the growth spurts, the inspirations, and the innovations. The journey is as endless as this spiraling staircase. Life is a spiral, an experience with many twists and turns, many repeating but altered patterns. As I complete each revolution of the spiral I return to previous situations or circumstances or emotions, but with new experiences, understandings, and abilities. This gives me many opportunities to practice and improve on different aspects of my life as issues reappear over and over. Sometimes this is comforting and I am grateful to get another chance to heal, but other times I'd just as soon skip the second and third times having to deal with the same difficult issues. Someday I hope to embrace the entire process wholeheartedly without resistance. That is a long way away, but I'm sure I'll have many opportunities to practice in the meantime.

Day 56: Counter-Productivity

Around brunch today on my way to work (I am semi-retired after all), I was feeling tired, agitated, and rushed. I haven't had enough down time in weeks what with moving, conflict resolution training, etc. I was feeling so emotional and out of sorts that I wouldn't have gone in to work at all, but there was someone coming in today that couldn't reschedule. On the bus I was feeling quite sad, and really didn't know how I was going to be productive at work. As soon as I got there, however, something shifted inside of me. I felt relieved, and wholly focused the entire time I was there. Like, eerily focused. Like more focused than my computer. Eager to avoid processing uncomfortable feelings, my brain leaped overzealously into the distraction of the work day.

So, rather than viewing today as "extremely productive" as I would normally have characterized it given how many things I crossed off my To Do list at work, I am thinking of it instead as counter-productivity. I have always seen myself as valuing productivity, but when I am "producing" a disconnected brain cut off from my emotional reality, something is wrong. Counter-productivity is Doing at the expense of Being. The work culture of the US is predicated on the belief that productivity at work is the greatest good, and that one's emotional life should never effect the work world at all. No one should ever know how you are feeling at work and you should consistently get the same amount done each day regardless of anything that may be happening in your personal life. The word productivity is due for an updated definition, one that rejects the production of unneeded and unwanted material objects, and instead embraces the creation of new ways of being and thinking, immaterial products, a definition that measures the creation of feelings, states of being, peace, calm, joy and happiness.

Day 55: Magic

Whenever I have a scary and vulnerable feeling or experience to share with someone, I am terrified and avoid it for as long as possible. Even when there are real material consequences of avoiding the issue, I will often continue to do so. Lately I have been feeling alienated, misunderstood, guilty, and ashamed, avoiding a scary conversation and distracting myself with busyness. Tonight the stars aligned and my unconscious wish to deal with this disconnection were answered. Unexpected circumstances created the right time and energetic space to push through the discomfort, share what was on my mind, and feel the relief and the renewed sense of connection that comes from such interactions. I am so grateful for the magical space that was created that allowed me to let go some of what I was holding onto, and to connect more deeply with a good friend. Why is it so hard to do this, when I see the positive results nearly every time? My fears of how someone will react to me are almost always worse than how it actually turns out when I finally do face it. And yet, I continue to avoid these types of conversations over and over again. I am hoping that I will get to a place in my journey where I will be able to initiate these conversations, acknowledge my emotions directly, and know that something good might come out of the scary moments. How many times do I have to experience this sense of relief and positive outcomes before I believe it to be true? This is one more area of my life that involves continued to practice, risk-taking, and striving to create the friendships and family relationships I want in my life.

Day 54: Either/Or

My thinking often gets stuck in false dichotomies. I imagine that I will either have a job / partner / apartment / body that is perfect (and permanent), or it is entirely meaningless and ugly and terrible. This has never happened to me, and will never happen to me, and yet seems to be a deeply ingrained belief that I hold. I also often set myself up with false choices. For instance, if there are two potential jobs or apartments, I will choose the best option between the two of them, even if I don't really like either one that much. I tell myself that these are my options, and so I choose, rather than thinking about what it is that I truly want, and then trying to pursue that genuine goal, independently of what I can see directly in front of me.

Our society loves to set up these false decisions to keep us from truly thinking outside the boxes that have been set up for us. I know this, and yet often fall into either/or thinking. When I consider work and relationship decisions, there are so many unexplored possibilities that are not pre-packaged options. I think of myself as a creative and innovative person, someone who has certainly defied several binaries that have been placed upon me, and yet I still fall into the either/or trap over and over again. I want to pursue my own dreams, the ones with no predetermined labels, no instruction manual written by someone else. This can only happen if I can grow beyond comparing each choice, each option, each decision within the internal logic of our society. Another world is happening, and I want to live there.

Day 53: Hope

 Sculpture in Berkeley Square, Give and Take III by Lorenzo Quinn. 
Photo © Copyright David Anstiss and licensed for reuse

I am struggling with the idea of maintaining hope while also being unattached to outcomes. I have generally either been very cynical and set my expectations incredibly low so that I wouldn't be disappointed, or been completely idealistic and set my expectations impossibly high. Both of these approaches produced limited results. With very low expectations I was never disappointed, but I was also never truly invested in whatever I was working on. Instead I was detached and disconnected, which did not feel particularly good. On the other hand, when I have had high expectations I have been very committed and engaged, but also controlling and demanding and inevitably disappointed. As I acknowledge the shortcomings of both of these strategies, I am not quite sure what to do instead. I want to continue to hope for and work toward great things in my life, while also accepting everything that happens, whether it resembles what I wanted or not.

This requires spiritual growth that I can glimpse right now, but not fully grasp. Conceptually I understand how you can want something and work toward it, but also accept of  failure. In practice, however, I have never really had this experiences. Now is my opportunity to practice. As I work on my relationships and investing in them in meaningful ways, I have the chance to practice this skill. For instance, as I continue to engage with my family and share my process with them, I hope that some family members will choose to open up and be emotionally vulnerable with me too, and that we will be able to deepen our relationships. I am working to also accept that this may never happen, or that it may happen but in a very different way than how I am imagining it. In the past I have tended towards the extremes of cynicism and idealism, where as now I am trying to find the place of openhearted and engaged realism.

Day 52: Hard Work

As part of my brain rewiring process, I am identifying and reexamining my beliefs and values in order to see whether they are true to my deepest self or just what I've been taught or conditioned to believe. One of these values is hard work. What does it mean to be a hard worker, and is this something that I believe to be important? I have always had a unique definition of hard work that does not necessarily include long hours of paid work or completing difficult tasks. As a young adult I valued hard work in the sense of being busy all the time, being engaged politically, and being intellectually challenged. When I am not constantly busy and engaged in activist and intellectual pursuits, I tend to feel very antsy and anxious. Hard work has served as an escape mechanism, a way to avoid the "hard work" of feeling  my emotions. Over the past several years I have begun to slow down, taking more time for relaxation, relationships, and rest. This slowing down has allowed many complicated emotions, desires, and hangups to emerge during the silent still moments. And yet, from the outside most people still see me as a hard worker, and often comment on this. I don't feel like I am actually a hard worker at this point, but it is notable that so many others around me seem to think so. Where is the disconnect between my perceptions of myself and those of other people in my life? Does this brain rewiring process itself constitute hard work? Is "positive" hard work okay or desirable? Is it only hard if you don't enjoy the work? I have no answers for this at the moment, but would love to hear from any of you. How do you define hard work, and is it something that you value?

Day 51: Transformation

Transformation Game Board

Living in an intentional community with a Free Table in the lobby, I have scored lots of amazing free stuff, including dishes, clothes, tools, and art supplies. One of the best items I've ever gotten from the Free Table was the board game Transformation, which I got about a year ago. The game was invented at Findhorn, a Scottish Ecovillage in 1978. As it is described on the Findhorn Foundation website, "Transformation Game® [is] a fun and complex board game which offers a playful yet substantial way of understanding and transforming key issues in your life. It can be played [as] a tool to help solve problems, clarify important personal issues, or creatively enhance relationships."

You follow your life path on the game board while trying to find answers to a specific issue in your life that you ask at the beginning of the game. Each card you draw reveals something about the assets, challenges, and unpredictable surprises of your journey. It is just as woo-woo as it sounds/looks, and it also totally works! Today's game reminded me to focus on the progress I have made in my brain rewiring process, and reaffirmed the importance of prioritizing my physical health even while I'm working on my emotional and spiritual wellness. I have played Transformation with many different friends and we've all gotten something out of it. I highly recommend you check it out too.

Day 50: Conflict

I have avoided conflict for as long as I can remember. As the youngest child I took on the role of the peacemaker in my family, and the one who never had any needs of my own. I am extremely easy going by nature so that made it easier, but the accompanying fear of conflict has been a hindrance to getting my needs met in my life. At the moment I am taking an intensive two-week conflict resolution training, which is helping me to reframe the purpose and value of conflict. The purpose of the training is to be a mediator, rather than one of the people involved in a conflict, but much of what I am learning is applicable to my personal conflicts as well. The main shift in my thinking so far has been in seeing conflict as a neutral event that can bring about positive as well as negative results. Although I have experiences with conflicts that have drastically improved situations in the past, I have still always viewed conflict as negative. As I am learning about the differences between retaliatory cycles of conflict and reconciliatory cycles, I feel more empowered to intervene in a conflict. Although I cannot control the outcome, I can make decisions about how I contribute to solving or perpetuating a conflict. I still have a lot to learn, but I'm excited to see how this might help transform my life over time. I am sure I will have a lot of chances to practice with conflict!

Day 49: Family Ties

What is it that makes someone family? There are the obvious genetically related family members, but in my queer universe there are so many other types of family members than that. In my family of origin there are very few genetic relatives, so we always cast a wide net as to who was considered family. My uncle's wife's sisters become family, while a family member's ex-wife remains part of the clan, with her second husband and children added to the mix. Anyone from my ethnic background is also considered family of a sort. This made the transition to queer concepts of family an easy one for me. Ex partners remain in my life, friends become family, friends' families become  my family, etc. Often, it is easier for me to feel emotionally intimate with my non-genetically related family. Partly this is because my family tends to be so repressed emotionally, but I wonder if there are other factors as well. Does it somehow feel safer because they are chosen family, because there is a bond of friendship or love that has not come about because of kinship? Is it because the members of my chosen family tend to have similar politics or belief systems to me? Or perhaps it's because there are less ingrained unhealthy patterns to fall into than with the family members who have known me since I was born. Whatever the reason, I am so grateful to have chosen family to connect with, to support me as I mourn my grandmother's death, and to help model  healthy emotional communication and care.

Day 48: On the Verge

© Copyright Brian Robert Marshall, licensed for reuse

This process of change has been rewarding, but incredibly hard too. Sometimes I feel like I'm standing at the top of the high dive, looking down at the water, terrified. I've watched everyone else jump off and survive, and yet it feels like my life is truly in danger. Knowing my own emotions and sharing them with another person is not actually a life-threatening experience, and yet it can feel like one. This is my fight or flight response, a physiological fear reflex that happens away from the logical part of my brain. The lizard brain kicks into survival mode and all higher functioning tasks of the brain and body shut off in order to maximize my bodies ability to fight or flee. I know this, and yet in the moment it is very difficult to intervene. How can I move from realizing that I can interrupt my patterns or act differently in a certain situation to actually doing so? As I have seen with other changes I have made in my life, and in my research on the change process, an outside catalyst usually causes the shift. It is often a difficult catalyst, one that forces me to change. Avoiding the change becomes impossible, or facing it becomes my least bad option. I know that every time I have made a major change in my life, it has been incredibly hard and also entirely worth it. And yet, when I am on the verge of change, nothing could be more terrifying. I'm learning to feel the fear and do it anyway. That's my mantra for today. When you are on the verge of change, how do you push through to make it actually happen?

Day 47: Practice

photo by Jerry Fiddler

As a kid, I participated in many sports including soccer, baseball, softball, basketball, cross country, tae kwon do, and gymnastics. I was always impatient for the games/meets/matches, and annoyed that there was so much practice in between. I was told by my coaches that the goal of practice was to create muscle memory so that I would be able to act quickly during a game, without having to think or strategize in the moment. I would just automatically throw the ball to second for the double play, for instance. Without practicing the scenario of a runner on first and a ball hit to the infield over and over, my reaction time would be too slow to get the double out. This all made logical sense and seemed to work, yet I still just wanted to skip the whole drudgery of repetitive practice for the excitement of the game.

And today I still find myself reluctant to practice what I am learning through this brain rewiring process. I want to master a new skill (like feeling my emotions, or giving up perfectionism) and then check it off my list and move on. Unfortunately for me, this is not how it works. Just because I am having some success with an area of rewiring my brain does not mean that I can stop practicing. In fact, if I do not continue to practice each skill I am learning, I will slide back into my old habits. Part of the theory behind rewiring my brain is that new neural pathways can be created to override ingrained ways of being. It takes a lot of practice, however, to create thick enough neural pathways to make the metaphorical double plays in my emotional life. I am grateful to have so many friends to share this experience with, who are helping to remind me of the purpose of rewiring my brain, the strategies I know to be effective, and the motivation to keep using them. I will continue to practice in order to develop my "emotional game", even though I am resistant and impatient. It was worth it in my childhood, and it is worth it today.

Day 46: Visioning

Daniela Andreescu – Soulscapes

I am participating in a conflict resolution training program this week, with both online and in-person components. I am excited to take this course because it is helping me to redefine conflict as natural, healthy, and an opportunity to repair and deepen relationships. The course is also teaching me new tools for engaging in conflict and developing solutions together with others. Today's presentation mentioned that the primary definition for the word peace is "the absence of war" and that almost all of the common definitions of peace are double negatives, including "freedom from disturbance" and "freedom from civil disorder". We are lacking a positive definition of peace - of defining what peace is, rather than what peace isn't. Our culture desperately needs a clear vision of what peace is, of what we are trying to create together. Peace Studies has done a lot of work to define "positive peace". I know very little about it so far, but maybe by the end of this course I'll understand it more clearly. This got me thinking about the importance of visioning, of focusing on what it is I want to see rather than what I do not want to see. There is a fine line, however, between creating a vision and obsessing about the future. If the vision is too stiff and specific, it will be constricting rather than inspiring. But having no vision means having nothing to build or create, just something to move away from. How do you have visions of the future without leaving the present too much? How do you move toward what you want, and simultaneously accept "what is" right now?

Day 45: Failure

I did not write a blog post yesterday. I committed to writing a blog post every day for 90 days, and I failed. It was the first time I did not post in over 40 days, the first time since Day 1 of my 90 day rewiring project and this blog. As a perfectionist, this failure feels shameful even though I know intellectually that it really doesn't matter. I fail at something every single day, and yet have clung to the idea that someday I could become the perfect perfectionist. Most recently, I was  hoping to travel a "perfect" path of self-realization. While the idea of experiencing "perfect self-realization" makes me laugh out loud (literally, just now...), my default expectation is that everything should and must be perfect. How do I change this deeply embedded false belief? I suppose I just have to keep taking baby steps in this direction, as with everything else. To all you recovering perfectionists out there, what has helped you relax?

Day 43: Non-Attachment to Results

How do you know when something is "worth it" or not. In the past I have been a very results driven person - concluding that something was worth it only once it was a success. As I work to see the process of self-discovery, self-reflection, and self-actualization as the goal itself, this attachment to outcomes seems outdated. Trying to live with integrity is worth it in and of itself. Trying to make small changes that improve my life is worth it too, regardless of what outcomes these efforts may yield. This has proven to be quite difficult for me. This outlook requires that I find an inherent sense of self-worth that is unchangeable, regardless of day-to-day circumstances. I am still working on this, but have found that this approach is quite liberating and energizing. When I am less hung up on outcomes I am able to take more risks, have more adventures, and be more carefree and joyful. While I am certainly still not fully there, the glimpses of this that I have experienced so far make me want to continue to work on this. Learning to see the inherent dignity in all people and in all living creatures is helpful. It helps release me from the idea that I earn my worth by my accomplishments. As I begin to explore this outlook more I am finding that I can still take pleasure in my accomplishments, but with a greater sense of joy and a diminished sense of relief. I used to feel relieved by my accomplishments, because it meant I had paid my rent for that month of life on the planet. Now that feeling of relief is slowly being replaced by a feeling of joy, a deep satisfaction that is not attached to a sense of owing anything, or of being constantly in debt like I used to feel. I still have a long way to go on this particular journey, but it is exciting to see this shift happening.  

Day 42: My Semi-Retirement

My relationship to paid work is strongly informed by my social location. As someone who became an adult in the United States as the recession was beginning, there is a generational sense in which I do not trust the economy or the workplace to provide for me. My dad was also in and out of work my whole childhood, so I grew up mistrustful of the system as well. He was well-paid when employed, but also experienced many years of unemployment interspersed between jobs.These experiences make me more motivated to continue to forge my own path in terms of financing my life, since the "safe" job options aren't really all that safe anyway. My gender experiences and class background have also greatly influenced my relationship to paid work. Because I was raised female and upper middle class, I think it's a lot easier for me to consider paid work as potentially optional and than it is for most cisgender men or working class folks. 

This combination of cultural expectations and life experiences led me to today's realization, which is that I am semi-retired. Until tonight I referred to this as working part-time. But since I plan to work part-time for as long as possible, and since I'm pretty sure I'll be doing some amount of paid work into my eighties, I realized that I'm actually semi-retired. This feels much more empowering than saying I "work part-time". I'm still working on the financial logistics of this, but I am making progress. I finally managed to pay off my credit card debt last year, and am slowly heading toward financial stability. Last year I learned how to live for thousands of dollars less and with a much better quality of life than the year before in the same city. Sharing housing, internet, transportation and food costs in a community was a significant factor, as was my semi-retirement. I'm curious to see how 2013 will fit unfold in terms of work. 

Day 41: Clutter

As I pack my things to move, and having just cleaned out my grandmother's apartment last week, I am thinking a lot about the role of stuff in my life. What I choose to keep is largely informed by my identities. I choose to keep objects that affirm my identity in some way - books that affirm my politics and literary sensibilities, my journals that affirm me as a writer, flyers and programs from my shows that affirm me as an artist and producer, and video equipment that denotes me as a filmmaker. While reassuring, these objects also anchor me to my identities, to a past that may be in flux, that may need to change. Perhaps clinging to objects helps me feel safe by protecting me from having to change my identity, which is usually disorienting and scary. As long as I have my filmmaking equipment I am a filmmaker, even if I am not actively making films. This gives me a false sense of constancy. If I can control my possessions, then it feels like my life is within my control as well. And yet, our possessions seem to control us more than anything. Where I live is determined by the amount of stuff I have. How much money I need to make is determined by how many things I buy or want to buy. Letting go of old habits and negative thoughts patterns also involves letting go of possessions that are no longer serving me. It mostly feels freeing, but there's a slight sense of loss too, a fear that maybe I'll need it sometime and there won't be any more. How do you relate to your possessions? Are you happy with the amount of stuff you own? Have your possessions ever owned you? If so, what have you done about it?

Guest Post: Quieting the mind

As a neighbor and friend of Kalil's, I've had the honor of witnessing his brain rewiring project in person. As a guest blogger, I wanted to share a bit about a powerful "rewiring" experience of my own that I undertook over the winter holiday.

I attended a 10-day course in Vipassana meditation, a silent retreat involving intensive daily hours of sitting and learning specific meditation practices passed down by a lineage of teachers from Burma/Myanmar. I am fairly new to meditation, having started a somewhat consistent daily practice only about 6 months ago, and rather than going into depth about the techniques I learned this past week, I'd like to share a bit about my personal experience in a few blog posts.

During the first three days of the retreat, we practiced anapana meditation, learning to concentrate and focus our attention on the breath. The first day, I mostly sat in the meditation hall letting my thoughts wander this way and that, every once in a while returning my attention to my breath: in, out, not trying to control it or change it, simply observing. My anxiety was high these first three days, especially each evening as we received the instructions for the following day and I wondered if I'd be able to follow them, to surrender to the strict routine I had to agree to follow in order to participate in the course. By the second night, I was unable to wear earplugs to bed. My senses had already become acute enough that when I put in the earplugs, I heard what seemed to be a deafening high-pitched ringing: the sound of my own nervous system, one I usually pay no attention to, distracted as I am by the thoughts, dialogues, stories, images, and melodies running constantly through my "monkey mind."

I am told that the second day is usually the hardest for students in this course, and that afterwards, in the words of a fellow student, "the mind gives up." For me the third day was the hardest: with the encouragement of the teachers and the patient practice of "smilingly" returning to the breath whenever my thoughts wandered, without judgement or disappointment, my mind indeed was quieting. I cannot recall a time when I have gone more than a few seconds without thinking, except perhaps when engaged in creative expression and experiencing flow. With only my breath to pay attention to and no creative project to engage in, I felt as though I was descending into the depths of my mind, and what I found there was disconcerting indeed. When I told the teacher the next morning that I had experienced vivid nightmares the night before, I was gently told that this was normal, to give them no significance, and that if I was awakened again in the night, to simply return to the breath. I had no further nightmares.

In the months preceding the course, I had made two related decisions in my daily life that resonated with my experience of these first few days of meditation: I stopped trying and I embraced failure. Faced with the realization that I would never live up to the ridiculous expectations I had set for myself, realizing I would never be the person I believed others expected me to be, I stopped trying and accepted myself as I am. Applying a very difficult new technique in my work as a teacher, I found myself failing over and over. But I believed in the technique, and rather than giving up, I embraced my failures and tried again the next day, and the next, and the next, but this time not knowing whether I would ever succeed, and embracing the process instead, accepting whatever might result. These decisions served me well in my process of learning how to meditate.

Day 40: Celebrating Results

I have been working on letting go of outcomes, but do I still get to celebrate when I achieve my goals, or am I supposed to let go of that too? Perhaps at some point that is a part of the process, but it's definitely not where I am right now. I am going through my papers in preparation for moving this weekend, and discovered something I wrote in September 2010 at the Transgender Leadership Summit. It was a list of goals I wrote two years ago and two of them have already come true!  It was during a workshop with the amazing spiritual teacher Catriona Reed on fulfilling your dreams in life. I set four "wildly improbable" goals for myself that day, and I have now achieved two of the four goals in two years. I had completely forgotten about this paper, mind you, but still achieved half of the goals it listed. Many sources claim that setting intentions is an effective way to make dreams come true, and I have to say I am starting to believe it very strongly. While both of the goals that I achieved this year involved a lot of hard work on my part, it was passion work, work that I wanted to do even though I was not getting paid for most of it. And yet, even with all of the work I put in, achieving these goals feels magical. These are the goals that feel true to my heart, the goals that bring me personal joy and fulfillment. I hope that 2013 is full of many more dreams coming true, perhaps even the other two "wildly improbable" goals from my September 2010 list.

Day 39: A New Year of Change

Change is something we all experience and yet we are not taught explicitly about the change process in school or in most families. We all develop our own theories and ideas about how change works, and especially about what we can and cannot change in our own lives. These theories are often grandiose and convoluted, rather than realistic assessments of what we can actually control. By making change seem nearly impossible, we give ourselves permission not to take small actions that could improve our circumstances. For instance, when I was a teenager and my dad was unemployed, we were always potentially moving to another city. At the time I wanted to move because I thought that moving would solve all my problems. I wrote in my journal at 15 that if we moved I could finally be the person I had always wanted to be. This was a comforting fantasy, but wholly unrelated to how real change happens. While I would have had the chance to present a new social persona in a new place, my core sense of unhappiness and self-judgment that I was dealing with at the time would not have been affected by moving. By focusing my emotional energy on this potential move as a cure for my problems, I overlooked the small actions I could have taken to improve my life as it already existed. The Serenity Prayer seems to capture this human tendency perfectly: "God(dess) grant me the serenity to accept what I cannot change, the strength to change what I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. 

Now that I know more about how change actually occurs, and the phases of the change process, I feel a lot more hopeful about affecting my life in meaningful ways. By letting go of the idea that I can control the larger world or other people or my circumstances, I am better able to control my own actions and focus my energy toward realizing my dreams. This feels quite liberating and very hopeful. I don't have to settle for a life of emotional disconnection, spiritual emptiness, or chronic stress. I can already see much change happening, and anticipate much more in 2013!