Whenever I have a scary and vulnerable feeling or experience to share with someone, I am terrified and avoid it for as long as possible. Even when there are real material consequences of avoiding the issue, I will often continue to do so. Lately I have been feeling alienated, misunderstood, guilty, and ashamed, avoiding a scary conversation and distracting myself with busyness. Tonight the stars aligned and my unconscious wish to deal with this disconnection were answered. Unexpected circumstances created the right time and energetic space to push through the discomfort, share what was on my mind, and feel the relief and the renewed sense of connection that comes from such interactions. I am so grateful for the magical space that was created that allowed me to let go some of what I was holding onto, and to connect more deeply with a good friend. Why is it so hard to do this, when I see the positive results nearly every time? My fears of how someone will react to me are almost always worse than how it actually turns out when I finally do face it. And yet, I continue to avoid these types of conversations over and over again. I am hoping that I will get to a place in my journey where I will be able to initiate these conversations, acknowledge my emotions directly, and know that something good might come out of the scary moments. How many times do I have to experience this sense of relief and positive outcomes before I believe it to be true? This is one more area of my life that involves continued to practice, risk-taking, and striving to create the friendships and family relationships I want in my life.
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