Day 53: Hope

 Sculpture in Berkeley Square, Give and Take III by Lorenzo Quinn. 
Photo © Copyright David Anstiss and licensed for reuse

I am struggling with the idea of maintaining hope while also being unattached to outcomes. I have generally either been very cynical and set my expectations incredibly low so that I wouldn't be disappointed, or been completely idealistic and set my expectations impossibly high. Both of these approaches produced limited results. With very low expectations I was never disappointed, but I was also never truly invested in whatever I was working on. Instead I was detached and disconnected, which did not feel particularly good. On the other hand, when I have had high expectations I have been very committed and engaged, but also controlling and demanding and inevitably disappointed. As I acknowledge the shortcomings of both of these strategies, I am not quite sure what to do instead. I want to continue to hope for and work toward great things in my life, while also accepting everything that happens, whether it resembles what I wanted or not.

This requires spiritual growth that I can glimpse right now, but not fully grasp. Conceptually I understand how you can want something and work toward it, but also accept of  failure. In practice, however, I have never really had this experiences. Now is my opportunity to practice. As I work on my relationships and investing in them in meaningful ways, I have the chance to practice this skill. For instance, as I continue to engage with my family and share my process with them, I hope that some family members will choose to open up and be emotionally vulnerable with me too, and that we will be able to deepen our relationships. I am working to also accept that this may never happen, or that it may happen but in a very different way than how I am imagining it. In the past I have tended towards the extremes of cynicism and idealism, where as now I am trying to find the place of openhearted and engaged realism.