I have discovered that specific nightmares are much less frightening than generic fears. When I think of a specific set of negative consequences, from losing my job let's say, each subsequent problem seems individually manageable. I can think of several different solutions to the problems of not having enough money for rent and bills, or trying to find a new satisfying and reasonably compensated way to earn money. When I have the vague nebulous fear of poverty, on the other hand, I essentially run away screaming with my eyes closed. The irrational part of my brain, the reptilian fight-flight-or-freeze response, kicks in and I normally flee, choosing to be purposefully ignorant of the danger rather than facing it head on. The more I practice mindfulness, the easier it is to reset to a non-agitated state once this adrenaline-fueled reaction occurs, but it is still incredibly difficult. When I am able to get myself out of the reptilian brain, I am more likely to see my problems accurately and therefore address them strategically.
Today's realization, however, is that in addition to working to diminish my subconscious fear-response, I can also work to transform my fears on a conscious level. By looking directly my fears, I transform them into nightmares - the fear of specific negative outcomes rather than dark and mysterious unknowable suffering. Examining my fears rationally, I have full use of my frontol cortex. This allows me to go into problem-solving mode rather than fight-flight-or-freeze. I don't need to actually experience or solve the problems of my nightmares in real life, but by looking directly at each fear in terms of the real-life possible scenarios and knowing that there are possible solutions can help me see the fears and take the risks anyway.
The way I would frame this shift now is that when I am looking at a nightmare - defined here as a specific scary scenario - I can approach it with curiosity, which is what helps me stay centered in Self, with the full working capacity of my neocortex. When I am fixated on generic fears, I am overwhelmed, shutting down my neocortex as I go into the survival strategies of fight/flight/freeze/appease.
ReplyDeleteI honestly haven't integrated this tool very well over the past 10 years, so re-reading this now is a helpful reminder that one way to shift overwhelming fears is to turn towards them and get specific about what they are, so I can then get curious about how I would solve those real problems vs. staying in the theoretical realm of all the scary things that might happen next. Hopefully this re-reading will help me remember to use this strategy more often. My next step is to write a list of several current generic fears and then convert those into specific nightmare scenarios that could occur, from which I can then engage them with curiosity.
Also, as my kids have entered the stage where nightmares are a frequent struggle, I have become much more aware of how low my tolerance is for fear. My reflexive response to their night time fears is to rationalize them, to solve them with the "there are no monsters" reply. What I want to do instead is to teach them how to grow the capacity to be with their fears without becoming overwhelmed. But this is a growth edge for me in my own life, so it's very hard to offer them this guidance when I can't even do it for myself.
My recent shift has been to not rationalize away their fears, but just to say "I'm sorry that's scary. That sounds hard. I believe in you and that you can figure out how to fall asleep even though nightmares are scary and you're worried you'll have some tonight". This is a new change, so I don't have any outcomes yet, but I'm hoping this will help us both develop a greater capacity to sit with our fears without needing to fix them to feel safer.