Day 76: Efficiency vs. Effectiveness

Visual Analytics By PNNL - Pacific Northwest National Laboratory

I have spent so many years honing my efficiency, getting faster and faster at meaningless tasks. I learned this as a child, spending as little time as possible on the busywork they called schoolwork. I had this down to an art. In eighth grade I did my Earth Science homework each morning on the bus to school, French homework during Earth Science class, etc. throughout the day. In this way I passed the day in compliance, but strategically, so that I wouldn't have to do anything else at home later that night. At the time I believed I was playing the system, but I was simultaneously becoming accustomed to it. I was being trained mostly to show up somewhere at the same time each morning, sit quietly, do what I was told, and repress my own natural interests, feelings, and points of attention. And I was complying with this part of the system.

I was efficient at existing within the system, but not effective at creating my own reality. Efficiency is the art of doing any given task in the quickest, easiest way. Effectiveness, on the other hand, is the art of prioritizing the important tasks. When I am effective, I am separate from the mutually agreed-upon systems in which most people operate - the consensus reality that falsely binds our actions. As a child, I was given sets of false choices. Would I rather have broccoli or brussel sprouts? Did I want to do my homework during school or after school? What about learning what I want to learn, eating what I want to eat, and focusing on manifesting whatever it is I want to manifest? Rather than efficiently moving toward other people's goals, I wish to effectively manifest my own.

Day 75: Power: A Paradigm Shift

Adapted from Bold Imaging fmri, Dr Frank Gaillard

What if none of the "rules" that govern my life actually exist? What if I don't "have to" do anything? What if I can invent my own life, actualize my own existence in co-creation with the world around me? What if I can do all this, and still pay the bills, live somewhere I enjoy, and connect with people around me? This is the paradigm shift that I have been moving toward since I was a teenager,  fascinated by alternative communities, alternative economies, and exploring alternative paths through life. And yet, I continue to hold myself back in certain respects. Is the truth of my power scarier than the fear of my disempowerment? Is my divine aspect more frightening than my shadow? This reminds me of the quote by Marianne Williamson: "Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our Light, not our Darkness, that most frightens us." Why is this fear of our own Light so widespread? Is it the product of living in an authoritarian society where the rules and regulations are designed to control everyone? We could not be successfully controlled if we were self-empowered, while fear of our own power keeps us disempowered. This clearly benefits those already in power, but how is this fear injected into US culture and society, and into the human brain in general? What can I do differently in my own life to embrace my power wholeheartedly? Many people are afraid that if we claim power for ourselves, we might become like those who oppress us. Running from power is not the answer, however, but understanding it is. I seek the power of self-determination, not power over others. As the Power paradigm continues to shift within me, the distinctions between types of power should become clearer. For now, I am working to recognize my power to act in many realms of Being, far beyond the "rules" of society or the confines of human history.

Day 74: Planned Relaxation

Today was a much needed day of relaxation and rest, a day to meet my health and wellness needs. As someone with strong tendencies toward over-scheduling, a day like today presents a real challenge. I still had a list for the day mind you, it just had items like yoga and sitting in the garden and meditating on it. I still did two important items I didn't complete yesterday, and did some fairly significant cleaning. But I was talking on the phone to a good friend while cleaning, so that was still relaxing. Do these "Doing" activities negate the time I spent on health and wellness today? Do they tarnish the relaxation I experienced overall today? Will I ever have a day with no lists at all? I do have occasional list-free days, but they usually involve me being in another country, at a retreat, or otherwise totally immersed in an experience outside of my regular life. And yet, I feel so content that I did so many "good for me" things today. And I know I would have done less of them without my list - probably filling in the time with watching videos or surfing the internet, which are definitely not healing or wellness activities for me. These are the times when I wonder how much to use my particular Type A tendencies to my advantage rather than trying to "evolve" beyond them. But perhaps this outlook will keep me stuck in a paradigm I no longer subscribe to where Productivity is the highest value. Maybe I will eventually view constant list-making as inherently flawed. There must be some Type A readers out there. What do you think? Are you able to harness your peculiar organization and planning obsessions for good, or do they just get in the way of you relaxing and going with the flow?

Day 73: Reality is all in your mind

This reality is broken. by *streamline69

The more I learn about the brain, perception, memory, and receptivity, the more acutely aware I am that we are each experiencing our own unique reality tunnels that we believe represent the world. This begs the question "what is the nature of reality?" Reality is in the dynamic flowing movement, reality is in the interconnectedness of all things, reality is in the relationships and interactions, and in each present moment. There is no frozen reality that is unresponsive to the present moment. There is no reality to the judgments in my mind, there is no reality to the categories and stereotypes, there is no reality even to my memories or interpretations. These judgments and categories and memories are my own personal reality tunnel, but do not represent anything more.

At first this feels disconcerting, like there is longer solid ground under my feet. At yet, it is also the greatest liberation. I do not "need" to have a job/career, work 40+ hours a week, or produce a certain amount of stuff. In fact, most of the people I admire or emulate do not conform to this particular Protestant-Capitalist vision of living. As I work to create a reality tunnel that I enjoy and that serves me, rewiring my brain is crucial. I cannot reject these frameworks and ideas that were handed to me by my society, my education, my family, and my milieu, without replacing them with something else. For example, my semi-retirement is one way that I am creating my own reality tunnel around work. Creating a new reality for myself is fun! It is also incredibly hard to think very far outside the parameters of dominant society. One helpful technique for me has been to read books by people who have created their own unique lives outside the systems that govern most people. These accounts inspire me, open up my imagination, and remind me that life truly is whatever we create out of it. I'm so curious to see where this will all lead me next.

Day 72: Connection

I am exhausted but very satisfied after a busy but incredibly connected day. Today I was connecting with people, connecting with my body, connecting with my spirituality, connecting with my visions, and connecting with my values. It was not a planned focus for the day, but I kept following my instincts towards the activities that were pulling at me, and the connections just kept on coming. A day like today would not have been possible 73 days ago, before I started rewiring my brain. I could not have sustained this level of connection throughout the day because the barriers separating me from other people, my body, my spirituality and visions and values were too great. After 72 days of trying to reconnect my heart and brain, to prioritize relationships and rest and relaxation, I was able to enjoy the way today unfolded. It was productive in the sense that I did many different things and was quite active all day, but not in the sense of an outward product to show for the time. I wonder if this particular type of very active day will leave me tired tomorrow, or perhaps I will be more energized because of how connected I was all day. I will have to wait until tomorrow to find out. For now, I am going to get some much needed relaxation time before bed. Good night!

Day 71: The Minimum

minimum standard certification by sajbrfem

I have always been a very judgmental person, with self-judgment at the top of the list - thanks Mom! As I work to let go of this trait, I am struggling to find a new outlook. Do I have to lower my expectations to mediocrity? Should I expect the minimum quality in all things? Somehow this does not seem right, and yet I'm not really sure what the alternative is. I guess I could continue to hope for great things, but be more accepting and less resistent when they don't happen? Earlier today I was telling a friend that I was disappointed because I've only been doing the minimum work of rewiring my brain for the past few weeks, and I want to be more dedicated to the process. As an overachiever, I rarely consider the minimum to be acceptable, even when I am not particularly invested in the class or activity at hand. In a project like this, where I am very committed and have set the parameters for myself, I inevitably judge my ability to follow my own plan. And yet, I set the minimum for this project at the level of commitment that would create lasting change. My minimum includes time each day for reading, writing, reflecting, talking to others, and just Being. So when will it be enough for me? When will my abilities, my foibles, my failures, and my spirit be enough? This particular struggle of mine is rooted in the mindset of conditional love, which I was taught as a child in my own family, in school, and in society. Conditional love means that we are only lovable when we do lovable things. Conditional love equates "good" behavior with "good" children, and "bad" behavior with "bad" children. Therefore, if I did something bad, I was bad. And to continue to be good, I had to do good things. True love, which is unconditional, is available for all people, for all creatures, for all matter, simply because we exist. Hopefully once I truly integrate the divine wholeness of unconditional love, doing the minimum won't seem so undesirable and I won't judge myself so harshly when it is all I can do.

Day 70: Receptivity

Motus Tragicus VII: radix actionis visus by ~diosenzanome

The walls that serve to keep my emotions suppressed also block reception of external energies. While I have been working more on feeling and communicating my emotions, being able to receive is as important as being able to give. Receptivity is a key role in the ever-flowing energy exchange between people, between ideas, between bodies. Without receiving from others, we are each wholly separate and therefore perpetually lonely. And yet, receptivity is so demonized, so belittled in US culture as weak, inferior, or indecisive. As I aim to become a part of the flow of energy, the flow of life, around me, I am working to open this channel of my being more purposefully. I am starting with sensations by consciously receiving the sensations of my breath, my heart beat, the feeling of my clothes on my skin, and the sounds around me. I can only do this for a short time before my mind wanders off into thinking again. I will continue to work on it though, because wisdom comes from being receptive, from taking in information from all six senses, without judgment or the need to control. It is only when I receive neutrally, passively, that I gain accurate information. Being receptive also means slowing down, listening deeply, with no distractions. Living in the first decades of the Information Age, it appears that we are all receiving more information than ever before. And yet, most of what we are receiving is static, garbage, distractions. It is mediated information, and therefore we are not truly in a state of receptivity. We get information when and how we want, from sources that will confirm our own biases. Real receptivity is being open to information at any time, from any source, with any message. I am a long way off from actually being this receptive, but at the moment I am practicing in small ways. I am also working to embrace the idea of receptivity as a desired and crucial trait rather than as a weakness or flaw. Have you worked to grow your ability to receive? What have you done that has worked? Any thoughts or advice would be helpful!