I have to move in January, something I am not looking forward to at all. In fact, I have been avoiding even starting the process. Nothing has been put in a box, taken off the walls, or given away. It hasn't felt like it was really happening. My resistance to accepting the fact that I am moving in a week has kept me from acting, kept me from addressing this reality at all. This turning away from reality took place at such a deep level, that I was not even aware that I was avoiding the issue - it was as if it truly did not exist. This is just one manifestation of a significant, long-standing challenge: how to accept "negative" realities. My first and strongest inclination is to deny the existence of truths I do not like. This is something I learned in my family and in the larger culture, where we are taught "if you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all". This seemingly polite action actually requires lying or evading the truth, dissociation and suppression. How can this be the way that one "should" act? And yet, it is so ingrained in me that I am often not aware that it is happening at all. For example, I didn't even realize how upset I am that I have to move until yesterday, 8 days before I have to leave my apartment.
The biggest change that I have noticed from the first month of rewiring my brain is that I notice my unconscious tendencies more easily. However I am still just observing these reactions, while mostly still acting in what were previously unconscious ways. I do believe (hope) that this is the first step in building new neural pathways that will eventually help me to act differently. In this particular instance, the new reaction I would like to have is to feel the loss of having to move out of the best apartment that I've ever lived in earlier, and to reach out for help packing up when I know I'm going to want to avoid it. Now I'm working to develop the neural pathways to make this response more likely the next time around. In the meantime, I will be shoving everything into boxes and begging my LA friends to help schlep my stuff to my new place next week. Please text me if you're eager to help me move!
Wow. This is an interesting read 10 years later. This is an area where I've seen huge shifts since that time. I believe I now have the tools to tend to my nervous system and find my way back from Freeze, sheer overwhelm that shuts down my whole system. I still frequent Freeze often, and I definitely still get stuck there. But these days I consistently recognize it's happening and am eventually able to use the tools I have to find regulation once again, to tend to scary things when I have to.
ReplyDeleteAnd, time is sometimes still the constraint I hit up against that helps me find the willpower to use my tools: to do what I know soothes my nervous system. Like the constraint I was working with 10 years ago of needing to move in 8 days.
It's cool to see how developing those neural pathways I was working on 10 years ago has led to my deep dive into nervous system regulation work, including my upcoming certification in The Resilience Toolkit, which is a set of simple movement and mindfulness practice that help our bodies regulate. It's cool to see how I was learning my own nervous system, and now 10 years later I get to help guide others as they learn their own bodies and nervous system states too.