The "winter holiday season" is a very strange time of year, made especially so by my efforts toward authenticity. Gifts are advertised to us as a symbol that will prove the depth of our love for another person. We are told that we can spend money instead of spending time, creating the appearance of love without those pesky, vulnerable loving feelings getting involved. We are inundated with cultural stories about how families interact, largely unhealthy examples of disconnection, bickering, and manipulation. As I forge a path toward building and maintaining more meaningful relationships, I am leaving these cultural stories behind, learning the stories of other families, of other communities that communicate their love for one another clearly and frequently. Being open and honest increases my vulnerability, deepening my relationship, creating greater intimacy, freeing me from shadows, and lightening the load. And yet each time I must convince myself to take the risk, be vulnerable, extend communication. When will open and clear communication seem normal to me?
I feel so grateful to have the opportunity to continue deepening my relationships, that I have a stable and significant base of connection from which to build. Now I am beginning to reconsider my tendency to compartmentalize my relationships. I have specific types of relationships with particular categories of people in my life, creating very specific expectations about how much I would share with someone, or how deeply "personal" our relationship might be. Why has this felt necessary? Which parts of me am I afraid to share with strangers? Which parts am I afraid to share with those close to me?
This is an area where I have experienced a significant shift over the past 10 years. I still have a lot of masking, and a lot of people who know me on certain levels but not fully. But I think these days there are also people who know more of my complexity, more of my rough / messy Parts, more of my process as it unfolds. And for that I am grateful!
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