Day 25: Death and Rebirth

In preparation for rewiring my brain, I learned a lot about the process of change. The change cycle begins with death and rebirth, a process where the old self is no longer operating as it once did, and the new self must slowly emerge over time. Often this means a shift in identity, such as from child to adult, straight to queer, student to graduate, etc. During the stage of death and rebirth I often feel uprooted, without anchor. I believe our society as a whole is experiencing this part of the change cycle at the moment. Old institutions such as public education and the economy are not functioning as they once did, but new ones have not yet developed to replace them. I think this cultural experience has led many people to personal journeys of transformation, because the old models for how to live aren't working.

While all this change makes for an unpredictable time of upheaval, I hold out hope for a society-wide transformation. And yet sometimes I just want to take a break from living, to pause and simply not deal with anything for a while. Of course, if I actually had the ability to do so, I might never get back out of that state again; inertia is a powerful force. That is part of why I developed such a structured process to rewire my brain, because the old neural pathways are still well-maintained and easily accessible. For instance, even as the things I wish for begin to come through, I am resisting them. It's like taking medicine that I know will make me feel much better but that tastes bad. I want and need the changes I am asking for, but at the same time feel repelled by the challenge of actually changing. Even metaphorical death is extremely scary, even when I know that it leads to new life. I am grateful to have people with whom to travel on this journey, friends who can help walk with me through the valley of the shadow of death and come out on the other side. Or at least I sure hope this all leads out to the other side somewhere...