Falling in Love with Myself

Free Yourself by LFTattooDesign

There are many aspects to the rebirth process I am currently co-creating with my Higher Self. Some of them are thrilling and joyful, some invoke the deepest grief I've ever felt, and many parts encompass both soaring joy and overwhelming grief at once. I feel the joy of release, relief at loosening the gripping and clinging that have held me in this cage for so long. I feel the grief of all the years of living in the cage, of all the years where there was no hope, no option of freedom.

One major piece of this step in my healing journey is becoming closer to myself, to identify my needs so that I can meet them for myself. This is a very new process for me as I grew up repressing all my needs, and have lived in denial of having needs for most of my life. This made me feel strong and self-reliant, when in reality I was too weak to allow my vulnerability to show in this way. I was scared to ask for what I needed because of a deep-seated belief that no one would be able to meet these needs, that no one would care to try. Now I am learning that while this may be true of other people, it is not true of myself. I can rely on myself to show up, to care, to try to meet my needs. No one else is responsible for meeting my needs, and I am very lucky to be a reliable and responsible person that I can truly count on. I have been showing up for myself throughout this healing process, and I now have the opportunity to deepen this relationship to self by figuring out what my core needs are, so that I can learn how to meet them for myself, and how to invite others to join me in meeting those needs.

One need that I have identified for myself is a need for security, to know that someone will always be there for me. In the past, I have endeavored to meet this need through romantic relationships and through external accomplishments that I felt would earn me love. Both of these strategies for meeting my need for security have proven unsustainable. No one else can promise to be there forever, and even when that promise has been made, it hasn't worked out that way. My drive toward over-achievement as a means of earning security has also failed me, in that it is an unsustainable approach to life. The more I have come to value balance and wholeness, the less I have been able to maintain this illusion. My ego has felt secure in fleeting moments of achievement, in winning awards and receiving accolades, but this affirmation is not a daily experience and the feeling of security it brings cannot last without new infusions of praise, which require that I deny my basic needs for rest and relaxation in order to accumulate more and more achievements.

I have learned that other people and external achievements cannot meet my need for security. What I am now discovering is that I can meet this need by falling in love with myself. I can promise myself to always be there and I can keep that promise. I can promise to witness and hold and nurture and support myself every single day, and I am able to follow through consistently. And when it gets too hard for me to hold, when I am overwhelmed and cannot do these things for myself, I can reach out to those around me for support and still get my need met in those moments. This is a place of power, empowerment, transformation. Plus, it means I get to fall in love again, which is the best! I get to romance myself, take myself out and treat myself to special things, write myself love letters and make art for myself and smile at random moments from the sheer joy of it all. This is what liberation feels like, sweet and juicy and enticing, infinitely fascinating and expansive. I am not yet living in this place daily, but I am so blessed to be able to visit here today, and to know that this where I'm headed. I'm manifesting security and love for myself, with myself, and through myself. Thank you for witnessing this journey with me, and for all the love you've helped me tap into. Seeing myself through your eyes has helped me to see myself through my own eyes with more compassion, acceptance, and love than I ever though possible. Thank you all for that great and precious gift.