Day 90: The End... of the beginning

The Neural Network by rajasegar

Today is my 30th birthday and also marks the 90th day of my project to rewire my brain.  Rewiring my brain is my birthday present to myself, and it's the best present I've ever given or received! On Day One I wrote that this would be "A project to reconnect my heart to my head and to rewire my neural pathways. The more you think something, the more you strengthen the neural pathways of that thought - like creating a highway of thoughts - and I've got some "thought highways" I'd like to reroute!"

For the past 90 days I have been proactively rewiring my neural pathways in order to alter certain damaging habitual thoughts and actions, including a perpetual disconnection between my mind, body, and soul. In addition to demolition of certain repetitive thoughts and behaviors, I have been constructing new thoughts and actions to replace the old. This blog was part of the process, which also included much reflection, writing, reading, and listening to music related to the new "thought highways" I have been building in my brain. To rewire my brain, I divided this 90 day project into nine 10-day units which each focused on demolition and reconstruction of a specific region of my mental highway system (otherwise known as neural pathways). While the major demolition and reconstruction has occurred in these nine areas, the brain remodeling process is definitely not over. However, the first round of rewiring is now complete and that means it's time for a celebration! Although no areas of rewiring are finished, this project has put into motion much healing, growing, and changing. As I enter my 30th year, I am so curious to see where the rewiring process will take me next. Thanks for taking this 90 day journey with me, and for sharing your thoughts with me as well. I love seeing how all of you are growing and developing in your own processes too.

Day 89: Happily Undone

Undone Melody no.39  by derekdavalos, remixed by Kalil

Tomorrow is my 30th birthday and I feel ready for this milestone. This blog and the brain rewiring process it is documenting are a big part of the ready, waiting eagerness I'm feeling. The next phase of my life (and of rewiring my brain) is almost here, and I my arms are open. My heart is still not fully open, and my brain has many more wires to untangle and dismantle, and new wires to grow and discover, but I feel solidly on my path. While there is much left to do, I have made noticeable progress over the course of this project, and for that I am grateful. For example, today I had way too many things on my To Do list at work, and was unable to get through them all. While this is certainly not a new experience in any way, my reaction to it definitely marks a shift for me. I realized from the beginning of the day that I wasn't going to get it all done, and just let it go. I accepted that only a small portion of the tasks at hand would be crossed off the list, and it didn't effect my mood at all during the day. I worked at a reasonable pace, took a few breaks, and left when it was time to head home. Although in the past I would have realized that I couldn't get everything done, it would have bothered me all day. I would have worked at a frenetic pace, highly stressed and upset with the situation the entire time I was at work. I may have gotten a few more things done than I did today, but not that much more. I would also have spent the entire day stressed, unhappy, and thinking negative thoughts. Instead, when I arrived home tonight, I was ready to have an enjoyable evening, and I also feel happy to finish some things tomorrow that didn't get done today.

Day 88: Communal Healing

One of the most significant and impactful pieces of the brain rewiring work I have been doing over the past 88 days has been the input, support, and guidance of people around me. Throughout this process I have been helped with advice, new perspectives, and leadership from many unexpected sources. Most of these have been people who are on similar journeys, or have been through similar experiences to the brain rewiring process in which I am currently engaged. Although this process is focused on rewiring my own brain, it is also a communal process, and one that I am very happy to be able to share with you, dear readers, as well as with others in my life, both online and in person. A major reason that this sharing has had such an impact is that our culture in general is sick, we as individuals are feeling the impact of this illness, but the disease with which we are infected is occurring at the level of our entire society.

Most people, including myself, were taught from a very young age to fit into this diseased system, to find our place within the ailing and infectious structure. This has led to much pain and dissatisfaction on the individual, as well as the communal, level. Tonight I had the pleasure of hosting a dinner party with friends who have all been through, and are currently engaged in, similar journeys of healing. This is a life-long process that will not be over in two days, when I will culminate this particular 90 days of brain rewiring. Although this concentrated effort has yielded considerable results in this short time, there is still much more work to be done on this front, for myself and for the society in which I live. It is only by connecting with others, by supporting each other, by engaging in group rituals of healing and rejuvenation, that I can maintain the energy needed to continue to rewire my brain as I move forward in my life. I feel extremely lucky to have a supportive, intelligent, and creative community with whom to travel this journey. I could not ever do it alone, so thank you for being a part of my process in whatever way you have been involved. I look forward to entering phase 2 of rewiring my brain with you by my side.

Day 87: Mediated Emotions

The Day We Rewired My Brain by tomswift46

Some days my emotions feel so far away, so inaccessible. My awareness of my emotions becomes mediated by my intellect, but what I think I should feel. So today I tried to tune in to my body, to the sensations on the physical realm, as a doorway into understanding the feelings related to particular physical sensations. While this is a sound strategy in general, and one that I have found to be effective at times, today I wasn't able to get any information from my physical body. It's as if there is a wall blocking out my feelings as well as my physical sensations from my awareness. What am I so afraid to feel? Why does my mind try to mediate my emotions, and how can I stop thinking so much and just feel?

I am frustrated that my mind and body and spirit are still so separate, so alienated from one another. Even so, the progress that I have made in rewiring my brain is significant, substantial, and worth celebrating. I am still excited about how far this process has already taken me, but also reminded of how much more rewiring there is to be done! I imagine a team of tiny electricians inside my brain, busily untangling and sorting the many wires, slowly improving and enhancing various regions of thought and emotion as they go. Yesterday I felt the positive feedback of how much has changed as I begin to rewire my brain, while today I am feeling how much further there is to go. Yet again, I am reminded that every step is a small one, all progress is gradual, and that I have a lot to learn in this lifetime.

Day 86: In Motion

Empowered Universalis by JamesCreations

As my 30th birthday nears and the first part of my brain rewiring process comes to an end (including ending my daily blog posts here), I am struck by how quickly and how significantly things are shifting in my life. By focusing on my biggest ideas and most daunting dreams, and by putting focused attention into healing and creative energies, much has been stirred up in my life. This is incredibly exciting, mind-blowing, and satisfying, and yet it also brings challenges. The biggest challenge is assuaging my fears including the risk of the unknown, fear of failure, and the fear that I do not actually deserve all the amazing things coming into my life. From reading the work of people I admire, it seems that these fears never really go away, although they can diminish over time. I will always feel fear, but if I can recognize excited and energizing fear from the fear that means I should avoid a particular decision, I can keep diving in to the deep end of the pool again and again. Even though I know all of this, I feel so tempted to shrink my desires down to a "reasonable" size, to deny my yearnings for great and unimaginable things. Shrinking my dreams feels safer in some part of me, even while simultaneously feeling deadening, draining, and depressing. How can denying my true self feel safe? From past experience I know this to be the most dangerous thing I can do. Denying my true self has made me take unreasonable risks in the past, nearly costing me my life as I attempted to suppress my true self. And so, I will continue to put my dearest ideas and deepest dreams out into the world, sharing these tender and vulnerable brain children with you, and with the universe. Change is constant, and everything is already in motion whether I like it or not, so I might as well put my true desires into the energetic mix as well. Scary as it is, it is more the thrill of a roller coaster ride than the terror of a car accident. Who knows what will grow out of the many seeds I have planted over this past 86 days. The shoots that are starting to come up so far are even more beautiful, strong, and vibrant than I ever could have imagined.

Day 85: Synchronicity

Asking for what I want is a powerful technique for receiving it. This seems so obvious, and yet has not been that easy to believe. Somehow, it seems safer to hide my desires, to protect myself from the disappointment of not getting them. While this does protect me, it simultaneously limits my ability to actually realize my dreams. This year I have been asking for healing, asking for support, asking for community. And I have received all three in ways so much greater, so much more potent, and so much faster than I ever imagined possible. I tend to think of synchronicity as an affirmation that I am on the right path, that I am exactly where I need to be. And right now, it feels so powerful. With only five days until my 30th birthday, I feel so opened up to the possibilities that await me in my next decade of life. Thanks to all of you for the support, love, encouragement, wisdom, vulnerability and openness that you have offered to me during the past 85 days. It has had an incredible impact on my rewiring process, and on my life as a whole.

Day 84: Needs

What is a need versus a desire, a preference, or an optional improvement? I have always valued my independence and felt pride in my ability to take care of myself, in seeing myself as a "low needs" person. Not having many needs or relying much on other people has felt fairly natural for me. I have a "go with the flow" personality and have mostly experienced physical and financial health, so this belief in independence hasn't been majorly challenged so far in my life. I know, however, that this is unlikely to remain true throughout my lifetime. The process of aging often leads to greater dependence, and there is always the possibility of financial instability. In addition, I no longer believe that it is better to have fewer needs, or that having needs makes me weak. Or at least, I no longer believe these things on some level. Part of my brain rewiring process involves shifting long-held thought patterns, and this value of suppressing my needs for the good of the group is deeply ingrained. There are several sources for this particular belief. One is being the youngest in the family, and everyone else having more power and control to get what they wanted. I learned to go with the flow rather than constantly fighting to get what I wanted. Additionally, the USA is predicated on the idea of rugged individualism and the value of self-sufficiency, so I was seeped in this outlook as a child as well. My family also reinforced this notion by not relying on anyone to help us during financially precarious times, and also by not helping those close to us when financial tides reversed.
    I have suppressed my needs for so long, for so many reasons, in so many contexts, that even recognizing needs as something more than wishes or desires is challenging for me. Where is the line between preferences and needs? How much should I "tough it out" or accept a situation, versus trying to change it to better suite me? How can I tell when I am being selfish versus when I am standing up for what I need and advocating for myself? The first step is to even realize that I am suppressing something. Most of this has happened at a subconscious level until now, and is only just starting to surface as I become more tuned in to my internal world. The next step is to identify which of those preferences are actually needs and should be met if possible, and which I can let go. And so the journey continues...