How do I not repress my emotional response to this clear desperation and suffering? Today what this looked like was me giving the person begging a dollar, crying for the rest of my walk, and wiping my tears on my jacket as the automatic glass doors opened up and I walked into the grocery store. I then found myself wandering the aisles slowly, distractedly, trying to figure out how to make decisions for myself in the midst of such a broken world.
In a world that is so desperately in need of healing and repair, how can I continuously acknowledge "what is", and not look away from the darkness? How can I experience my feelings about this seemingly all-consuming brokenness without falling into despair? Somehow, letting the tears fall, letting myself acknowledge the pain of the strangers around me did feel better, cathartic in some small way. And yet here I am at 9 pm exhausted and emotionally drained by a day of feelings. Is it possible to experience all of my feelings everyday and not feel overwhelmed?
When I was at Esalen this summer I participated in a movement workshop in which the participants moved around the room, each of us resting our hands on our chest, protecting our heart. When we felt comfortable, we could move our hands away from our hearts, out towards others, and connect. When needed, we could move our hands back in and protect ourselves. I don't think it's possible to be completely open all of the time, especially if you're sensitive. But there's a difference, I think, between protecting and repressing. Take care of yourself.
ReplyDeleteI'd love to hear more about this when you're back from your meditation retreat! I hope it is going well.
DeleteI think when you've had walls up for a long time it can be overwhelming to allow yourself to feel again. I didn't even know how high some of my walls were, and the depth of feeling behind them was both terrifying and mind-blowing. I think as you become used to it it will become more manageable.
ReplyDeleteYour experience really resonates with what I've been going through! Glad to know it gets easier :) I'd love to hear more about your process, hopefully we can get together again soon.
DeleteYou know the story of the Buddha right?
ReplyDeleteYes, I hadn't thought of this particular post as related to the story of Buddha, but I definitely see the parallels.
DeleteIt is terrifying and also mind-boggling to compare 10 years ago intensity to today. To consider what it takes to be with "What Is" in 2022 vs. 2012 is just hard to even wrap my mind around. The original blog was at the beginning of Obama's second term and shit was horrifying and intense - history, culture, politics... Our social movements were rocking, civil liberties deteriorating, the climate in collapse. Yet now we're at Trump, George Floyd, the fucking Covid Pandemic, full-on climate collapse...
ReplyDeleteAnd so, I hold what I can, and try to let the rest Go and Go and Go. I continue to expand my ability to alchemize the shit into thriving soil, and refine my channel to be able to tolerate bigger emotional intensity. In this way, I am learning to better surf the ever-more-magnified 100 foot-high waves of feeling all the feels as a human in 2022.