Today I spent some time supporting friends that I know are having a difficult time right now. I wrote cute emails, texts, and facebook messages to people, and it felt great. I felt happier and more energized afterwards. Helping others in this way felt like healing to me. And yet, sometimes supporting others feels stressful, triggering, painful, and draining.
This got me to wonder - when is helping other people healing, and when is it harmful to myself? When am I stretching myself too thin, neglecting myself, or preferring to focus on someone else's problems to bury my own? I can usually tell if a certain encounter was healing or harmful based on my energy level afterward, but is there a way to know before I reach out to someone? There are certain individuals who I have come to view as toxic and always a drain on my energy, but there are many other situations that are more fluid, where sometimes I feel fuller after reaching out and other times I feel emptier. I often watch others spread themselves thin caring for everyone around them, and never giving themselves the same loving attention they seem to give to anyone else who needs it.
So, dear readers, I ask you now - How do you determine if helping another person is the "right" thing to do? Do you have a way of deciding if it will be fulfilling and healing for you? Does that factor in to your decisions about helping people? Do you think it should factor in?
So weird how I did the same thing today...
ReplyDeleteI think in the end it's best to accept the frustration or the healing as part of being human....we're constantly growing, learning, changing, repeating learning lessons..I guess it's just also part of the timing and what we're individually going through/collectively going through...
now i'm just rambling....but thanks for raising consciousness
Yes, I do think we're all going through some sort of process as a society, as well as individually. I'm glad you're also on this journey with me, Angelica!
ReplyDeleteWhen I wrote this blog post 10 years ago, I was contemplating how to know the difference between helping others that is draining, and helping others that feels heart opening and expansive.
ReplyDeleteWhat has shifted for me over the last 10 years is primarily a time-lag. I used to be very distant from my experience, not very present in the moment-to-moment reality of my life.
I gradually have become more and more aware of my experience in the moment, or shortly thereafter. The process of creating the HeART for Brains blog, and the larger project of spending 90-Day focused on rewiring my Brain, and reconnecting to my Heart and Soul, was a huge piece of how that shifted.
By learning to ask myself over and over and over: how do I feel, in this moment? I slowly developed the muscle of awareness. So, today, when I think about helping people and when emotional labor feels sustainable, I am less in need of a "rule" or guidepost, and I mostly tune in to whether I am a full YES to helping in this moment. These days I can track my own consent meter more accurately, and catch myself more quickly when I am violating my own boundaries due to people-pleasing.
I am so grateful for this shift! What a game-changer!