Parenthood: Reflections on the Early Days

Nine days into parenthood and my heart has expanded beyond my wildest imaginings, while my world has simultaneously shrunk down to this one room the baby is in right now. Everything feels tender, illuminated by the preciousness of this material realm: R’s first walk in the redwoods, first experience of sunlight on skin, the complete relaxation of a baby nap. What would it be like to feel so safe in one’s vulnerability, to fully trust one’s companions, to feel heard and cared for in each moment? How would it be to fully inhabit each moment of discomfort, dis-ease, discontent, and then let it go as soon as it was over, dropping in to the new Now of rest, sustenance, peace? As a student of Presence I bow to the babies, wise teachers sent from other realms to remind us of the truths we’ve always known.

Nine days into parenthood and the profound pain of this material realm weighs on me more acutely than ever: the injustice, violence, oppression, fear, anger, shame, and control. In this profane world humans have collectively dreamt into being, my heart burns with the pain of each violation of innocence. The grief of my own disillusionment is activated by the unrealized potential of leaving a better world for our progeny. My deepest wish is for a world worthy of the babies, a world that reflects back their love unconditionally.

Nine days into parenthood and I inhabit a state of awe. After years of preparation, an intentional insemination, witnessing nine months of pregnancy, and a midwife-assisted home birth, it all still seems surreal. The science of reproduction does not negate the miracle of this new being coming suddenly into this world, appearing as if from the ether, whole and embodied, so delicate and yet so strong. I am bewildered by the fragility of human existence, perplexed that so many infants have survived, amazed that so many parents have managed to show up for the incessant needs of their care. These early days of sleep deprivation have left me loopy yet blissed out, buoyed by the energy of new love. And even as I show up for my family in all the ways I can, there is so much more care than what I can provide. I am astounded by S’s strength of body, mind, and spirit, and extend my deepest respect to all those who have carried, birthed, and nursed babies. You have tapped into the infinite love that connects all life, drawing sustenance from the deep well of nurturing that is life’s longing for itself. You are a manifestation of Divine Love. I am humbled to be in your presence, and so grateful for this opportunity to learn and grow. I also look forward to sleeping through the night again some day!