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Nine days into parenthood and my heart has expanded beyond
my wildest imaginings, while my world has simultaneously shrunk down to this
one room the baby is in right now. Everything feels tender, illuminated by the
preciousness of this material realm: R’s first walk in the redwoods, first
experience of sunlight on skin, the complete relaxation of a baby nap. What
would it be like to feel so safe in one’s vulnerability, to fully trust one’s
companions, to feel heard and cared for in each moment? How would it be to
fully inhabit each moment of discomfort, dis-ease, discontent, and then let it
go as soon as it was over, dropping in to the new Now of rest, sustenance,
peace? As a student of Presence I bow to the babies, wise teachers sent from
other realms to remind us of the truths we’ve always known.
Nine days into parenthood and the profound pain of this
material realm weighs on me more acutely than ever: the injustice, violence,
oppression, fear, anger, shame, and control. In this profane world humans have
collectively dreamt into being, my heart burns with the pain of each violation
of innocence. The grief of my own disillusionment is activated by the
unrealized potential of leaving a better world for our progeny. My deepest wish
is for a world worthy of the babies, a world that reflects back their love
unconditionally.
Nine days into parenthood and I inhabit a state of awe. After
years of preparation, an intentional insemination, witnessing nine months of
pregnancy, and a midwife-assisted home birth, it all still seems surreal. The
science of reproduction does not negate the miracle of this new being coming
suddenly into this world, appearing as if from the ether, whole and embodied,
so delicate and yet so strong. I am bewildered by the fragility of human
existence, perplexed that so many infants have survived, amazed that so many
parents have managed to show up for the incessant needs of their care. These early
days of sleep deprivation have left me loopy yet blissed out, buoyed by the
energy of new love. And even as I show up for my family in all the ways I can,
there is so much more care than what I can provide. I am astounded by S’s
strength of body, mind, and spirit, and extend my deepest respect to all those
who have carried, birthed, and nursed babies. You have tapped into the infinite
love that connects all life, drawing sustenance from the deep well of nurturing
that is life’s longing for itself. You are a manifestation of Divine Love. I am
humbled to be in your presence, and so grateful for this opportunity to learn
and grow. I also look forward to sleeping through the night again some day!
