Trigger, Trigger, Trigger

The deeper I’ve gone into my healing process and the more traumatic experiences I’ve begun to integrate, the more extreme my triggers have become. This is called a “healing crisis”, a term I only learned a few months ago. I’m so grateful to know this phrase, to have a name for what I’m experiencing. As I’ve grown further into this place of crisis, I’ve come to appreciate its importance in my healing journey. At times it seems like something must be wrong for my day-to-day life to be even more challenging than it was two or three years ago, when I first began this intensive healing. And yet, this is similar to the detox process experienced when a person stops smoking cigarettes and develops a horrible cough. Long-hidden pieces of my Self split off from me due to trauma. Now, they can see the possibility for healing and integration and are rising to the surface loudly and insistently. And as I have slowly learned to stay present more and dissociate less from my emotional truths, my triggered states have become increasingly intense and uncomfortable.

Wrathful Diety #6 by Art O.T. Grid

This has been a years-long process, including developing names and visuals for the fractured parts of my Self that surface when I’m triggered. At first I focused on identifying when I would enter a triggered state and mapping the patterns of what tends to trigger me, and how I feel, act, and recover from these states. I then began learning tools to help bring myself back to the present moment as quickly and gently as possible. As this healing crisis has intensified, I’ve been challenged to greet these triggers with compassion, acceptance, love and concern rather than the dissatisfaction, impatience, and judgment with which I once viewed them. This is my opportunity to practice, to hone my ability to care for myself. I’m getting better at navigating it, but there have been a few instances of staying triggered for many days at a time. This is a frightening and disorienting experience, a type of soul-abduction where split off pieces of myself are “in charge” and I feel and act like someone else.

This is the deep work that my soul is here to do – to heal the cycles of abuse that have affected me on a cellular level, and which have been passed on through so many generations. At the moment I have many more questions than answers. In my moments of fear, or when I have been commandeered by an unintegrated aspect of myself, I worry that I am not strong enough to get through the crisis and detoxify from this life-long poisoning.

And yet I instinctively reach toward healing, my deepest yearnings calling out to me to keep going. And so I walk along, step by step, in a circuitous and spiraling pathway to empowerment, liberation, safety, and joy. Tasting each of these delights in small ways, I am strengthened in my faith that there is another option for me – that I, and each of us, can be liberated from self-oppression. And so I call upon all my resources for support and guidance as I continue through this healing crisis slowly, gently, and reverently. I am astounded by the support I have in my life and by the possibilities for healing that unfold before me.