Molting

As I continue deeper into my process of self-transformation, I experience the death and rebirth process over and over again. Each time, I gain new insight into the transformation process itself, in addition to the personal growth that occurs. I have experienced several types of transformational processes, each of which mirrors that of other animal species. One example is the caterpillar to butterfly metamorphosis which involves building a cocoon, dissolving completely from a caterpillar into undifferentiated goo, reconstituting as a butterfly, struggling to break out of the shell, and then flying off in an entirely different form. One obvious example of this in my life was coming out as transgender and subsequently transitioning my sex through hormones and surgery. The end of a six-year romantic partnership was another version of this, although not as literal in its parallels.

Another transformation experience mirrors the lifecycle of amphibians as they develop from aquatic to land animals. This process involves a transformation in which one develops new capabilities and outgrows an older form, leading to new needs and to a change in one’s external environment. One example from my life is being born into an environment of unhealthy communication norms, gradually developing the skills of compassionate communication, and then seeking out a community of people committed to similar communication practices while no longer being able to breath in environments of judgmental and aggressive communication.

By W. P. Hay [Public domain], via Wikimedia Commons

My current experience of the death and rebirth cycle is different, however, and new for me. It more resembles the process of a crab molting and then growing a new shell. A crab outgrows its shell dozens of times in its life. Each time this happens, the crab must crawl out of this too-small shell and become utterly unprotected in service of its growth. The crab experiences a period of extreme vulnerability, during which it hides itself as best it can while eating the nutrients stored in its old shell in order to help it grow a new, larger exoskeleton. While the crab grows in size gradually, there comes a point in this growth process where the structure that supported and housed it no longer serves. At this point, the crab must take a major leap into the unknown, purposefully becoming exposed and tender in order to build a larger structure of support and safety for itself. This mirrors my current process, which involved steady growth that led to me outgrowing my old self-concept. The process of creating a new self-concept first involved discarding the old, even though a new one did not yet exist. This period of extreme vulnerability has been incredibly challenging, and yet so freeing. After a month of reassessing who and what I am, I am starting to grow my new shell, a larger and more expansive version of what I already had. I look forward to discovering many more types of transformation over time. Have you experienced other death and rebirth cycles? I would love to hear about them!