Being Ready for Presence

Cover of Ram Dass' book Be Here Now

As I continue to strive toward self-actualization, one major area of development has been in my capacity for presence. In order to create movement in this area, I am learning a lot about dissociation and how to prevent and contain it. Dissociation is a condition most of us experience regularly - a state of being unaware of one's true feelings or physical sensations or not being fully aware of the current moment. Dissociation is often used as a coping strategy to survive conditions that are too difficult to handle. It is a common response to trauma, and can also be triggered by another person being dissociated around you. Most people experience dissociation regularly, and it is so common as to be seen as largely unremarkable in our lives. I am now working to shift that expectation for myself, striving toward full presence in every moment of my daily life. While I may never meet this goal, just the act of working towards it has greatly changed how I experience my everyday existence.

One strategy I am using is identifying when I am in a the state of dissociation and what it feels like, as well as practicing techniques for coming back into the present moment. Additionally, I have been reflecting on what keeps me from being present in my life, and how to minimize those experiences and encounters. Being an urban American, it is very challenging to eliminate the conditions that elicit my dissociation. As I exit public transportation each day and am confronted by drug addiction, homelessness, and human defecation on the sidewalk, I dissociate. I am unable to endure feeling the full impact of the injustice and sickness of my city and still go to work and focus on other things. While certain moments of dissociation such as these seem somewhat unavoidable currently, there are many other places that I can intervene and cultivate greater presence. Much of my tendency to dissociate stems from a resistance to accepting reality as it is. This is true in the case of witnessing extreme poverty, but is also true in other ways, such as my resistance to my own stage of development. I like to see myself as someone who is ready for anything, able to take risks, face challenges, and try new things. While this is often true, there are also many times when I do not feel ready for whatever is in front of me. In the internal conflict between this fact of non-readiness and my self image of readiness, I dissociate so that I can move forward as if I were ready. I resist being fully present in that moment, because I do not want to accept my true feelings. This lack of acceptance and resistance to my own truth is a major cause of dissociation, and an area that I have the ability to work on. When I can accept myself as I truly am, I can stay present with myself through difficult moments; I can accept the reality that I may need to wait before taking on a new challenge or facing a particular risk. On this long journey towards presence, I am currently working to accept myself as I am, rather than as I'd like to be. Letting go of resistance, I can respond to each moment fully and genuinely, acknowledging my truth and acting accordingly.