Enough is Always Enough

For years I have been fueled by anger and a drive to achieve, two opposing forces born of hatred - hatred for the world and hatred for the self. I have hated the cruelty of the world since I was a child, carrying the ancestral memories and personal experiences of pain and humiliation, the murders, violations, and genocides experienced by my various communities and by so many others. Along with this hatred of the world, I had a parallel hatred of myself. My life-long drive to achieve is a byproduct of my attempts to flee self-judgment through external praise. Alongside this deep hatred, I also have a deep well of love. I feel compassion toward all living things, springing from the love I receive from others, from the source of life itself, and from some mysterious depths of my soul. This volatile mixture of deep hatred and deep love is a powerful force, yet largely chaotic, unfocused, and agitated. This hate-love fuel has simultaneously nourished and drained me, keeping the simple feelings of satisfaction, relaxation, presence, and comfort in my own skin forever out of reach. No matter what impact I have in the world, no matter what changes I make in myself, it is never enough when I am partially fueled by hatred. Even when mixed with Love, this fuel is never as powerful, meaningful, or transformative as it could be.

A series of recent experiences have reminded me that nothing will ever be enough, until "What Is" is already enough. As an over-achiever, each achievement falls into a black hole inside me, a hole that can never be filled through external rewards, as I have tried to do in so many ways. Only the infinite power of Unconditional Love can fill the black holes inside me. This means facing What Is, accepting What Is, embracing What Is, and loving What Is. This means accepting my largeness, my smallness, and my average-ness too! Love is the fuel I crave, the abundant, joyous, compassionate, accepting, patient, eternal energy of Love. Unconditional Love requires no achievement, no pursuit of perfection, no control or repression. Unconditional Love is always enough, always more than enough. Just as our society is (hopefully) going through a process of transformation to eventually run entirely off of "clean energy", my personal source of energy needs transforming as well, to the infinitely abundant the energy of love.