Day 14: Mortality

My 92 year-old grandmother has just been moved into hospice care. Her health has been in decline for about six months, but things took a sudden turn for the worse yesterday. Given that she is 92, I have known that this day would come sooner rather than later in general, but it still feels scary and sad. I feel thankful for all the wonderful times I spent with her, especially as a child, but regret that I didn't make more of an effort to spend more time with her in the last few years. She is a really amazing person who has had an interesting life. She thrived in incredibly challenging circumstances as an immigrant to the US as a teenager, a German Jew who survived the holocaust.  She is someone who always brings people together and can make friends with strangers in line. She was incredibly smart, better at crossword puzzles than most native English speakers. She has always loved well, including supporting me through my transition. She will be very dearly missed.

I am feeling grief, pain, fear of death. And yet I am also grateful for the many years she has lived, and for the way this pain is bringing me closer to my family. Shared grief, like shared joy, is part of being a family and this experience reminds me of how grateful I am for my relationships with my family members.

Day 13: Change Makes the World Go Round

Our society is structured as if the component parts were machines, were robots rather than human beings and other living creatures. Theoretically this allows people to design "predictable" structures for society. However the only predictable constant in the known universe is change, transformation, dynamism. And yet as a species we maintain this delusion of a non-changing reality, believing in abstract concepts, static images, as the real thing. Why would we prefer a static universe to the endlessly fascinating transformational reality that we actually inhabit? Why does predictability feel safer than change? Why do we resist the uncertainty of reality by insisting that we are in control?

The idea that any human being could be "in control" of the universe takes a level of delusion that seems increasingly hard to maintain in the 21st Century. With all the advances we've made, and all the powers we've gained over our environment, we've simultaneously unleashed powers well beyond our control, such as superstorms and giant tsunamis. We are clearly co-creating reality with energies / powers / intelligences that are much larger than we may ever comprehend. Being co-creators of reality (along with everything else in existence) sounds pretty good to me! And yet, letting go of control is simultaneously liberating and terrifying, on the micro level of our own lives as well as on the macro level of humankind as a species. 

Day 12: Poetry is Life

Some days it's just deep breaths and long pauses,
and work work work.
Those are the days I long to pass.
The dull days,
the repetitive days,
the plodding through the sludge days.
And yes these are the days that matter,
all the days matter.

Daily reminders,
struggles,
celebrations.
The wild peace I seek,
the transformation and flow,
to dance and create.
Hineini.
Here I am.

Day 11: Letting go of Results

This project is 90 days long, and yet this process has no end. The only goal is to continue to self-actualize for the rest of my life, and to continue to be in conversation about that process with other people who are similarly engaged in their own journeys.  And yet, as an extremely goal-oriented person, how can I feel satisfied with such a nebulous goal?  This entire process involves redefining the journey of my life as a continual process. I am always "accomplishing" my goal, as long as I am actively engaged in the process of reflection and self-discovery.  And yet this can feel so dissatisfying to the part of me that loves crossing things off lists. 

I have feared that my motivation for this project might be diminished if my goal is already accomplished through engaging in the process itself. So far I don't see that happening, but it is also hard to tell at this point. I still harbor side goals, smaller results I am hoping will come out of this process, such as specific habits I am hoping will change and thoughts I wish to see transformed. So even though the primary goal is already accomplished (whatever that means), there are still lots of smaller goals for me to fixate on. However, I've also noticed that when something is deeply important to me, such as living a self-reflexive life, then reaching my big goals become less important, because each small step feels independently satisfying even outside of the big picture of what I am working toward. I yearn towards self-actualization, which is a feeling fundamentally different from any smaller goal I may set for myself, and altogether more satisfying to fulfill.

Day 10: Structured Flow?

I am an extremely structured person, as you can probably tell given that I designed this 90 day plan to rewire my brain...  I love developing structures that work for me, and I find them helpful for many things, from developing new habits to producing large creative projects. And yet I know that structures that are too rigid become dangerous, repressive, and unable to adapt to changing realities. Living a rigidly structured life is also in direct conflict with the idea of being present in the moment. If I plan everything in advance, my creativity is stifled and my life becomes smaller, less full of possibility, less full of wonder.  And so I am working to find the grey area of my life - the area where I can flow with the present moment, and also create the present moments of my imagination through planning and organizing.

How do I determine a healthy balance in my life between being in the present and planning for the future? While I certainly have thoughts about the future that are not constructive, when I make plans or take actions that lead to priceless future moments it feels healthy and helpful. As I begin to accept the structured chaos of my life, I am still figuring out what this means for me. How do you define the balance between fully experiencing the present moment and proactively planning for future?

Day 9: The science of spirit

I am fascinated by the connections that neuroscientists are finding between mysticism/spirituality and measurable, "scientifically verifiable" truths.  One intriguing finding is that we have a "second brain", the enteric nervous system, otherwise known as the enteric brain. This system of neurons that surrounds our organs functions completely separately from the cerebral brain, sending information to the cerebral brain, but receiving very little information back. This enteric nervous system basically runs on it's own, and can therefore be considered a separate brain.

Knowing the the body is also "intelligent" in this sense helps me to feel justified in listening to what it tells me. While this is a very logical approach, it integrates very easily with many of the spiritual concepts that I have been reading about and pondering.  Growing up in a culture that sees humans as entirely alienated from the world, I find it very comforting to know that I am deeply connected to everything around me, whether I proactively choose to be or not. The intense alienation that I grew up with is only one experience of this world, and not one that I am destined to have. The only thing constant is change, and that gives me great hope for the transformative power of mindfulness, and the possibility of deepening the connection to my body and soul.

Day 8: This is your brain on inspiration

I'm having lots of intense feelings, memories, and realizations today, and I am very grateful for all the messages I've put up around my apartment to remind me of what I know.  I feel like the guy in Memento who tattooed himself with everything he needed to remember. These signs are my visual triggers to remember the key tenants of my process: The Only Way Out is Through and Another World is Happening. While I do like ink, making these signs was a lot cheaper (and less painful) then getting them tattooed on me!

I have several other phrases up around  my apartment as well, right by bed and by where I sit at my kitchen table. All of these reminders are really helpful as I'm creating new neural pathways in my brain. Repetition is key to this process, both in writing the messages and in reading them on my walls multiple times each day.

"The Only Way Out is Through" is a phrase that seems to be popping up a lot right now. The synchronicity seems significant and intriguing to me. I guess at this point there's really no other choice; we're going "through" whether we want to or not.

"Another World is Happening" is a take-off on the World Social Forum motto, Another World is Possible. For me the concept another world is already happening, right now, is even more powerful, and feels true to me.